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I Want…

Today I was asked what I want for my birthday. Make up? Clothes? Stationery?

“What are your desires? What you want, not what you need, Nik.”

I want to be better

I want and need you
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The Little Things

When he can’t send me home, there’s a sting in my heart that I have to travel all the way home by myself

When I have to travel all the way to the West, I forget all the times he’s picked me up and sent me home

When I want attention, I pester and I whine.

Its so easy to forget that for all those rides he takes home with me, he has to head home on his own.
For all those times I travel to him, he’s come to me x5.
I forget that even though I’m fully energised, he’s tired from guard duty the night before, but made an effort to plan our date.
Its so easy to think of myself and feel like his love isn’t enough.

But its more than enough- its the greatest, most selfless and abounding love I could ever receive and I should be more grateful.

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Perspective

As I sat there mourning over the loss of my spectacles – my big round spectacles that hide my insecurities lol,  I got a text from my pal and she said “On the bright side at least u didnt lose the real imps things like wallet, phone”.

Then it hit me, yah, imagine if I had lost my phone. I need to start looking at things from a different perspective.

Another time, I was grieving over my awful performance on a exam that was relatively easy and how I wanted to pick the correct answer SO MANY TIMES and I just kept picking the wrong answer because I kept thinking THEY’RE TRYING TO TRICK US. Or maybe I’m giving myself an excuse and I just didn’t know my content WELL enough. But for some reason I feel like I overthought because of what I studied. If I didn’t know all the factors that made me reconsider, I would’ve chosen the correct answer because it was so simple. 

But yeah, perspective: At least I haven’t done something TOO dire that will affect my big bang exam next year, this was just a small mcq exam in my whole medical schooling life, AT LEAST I DIDN’T FAIL AT SAVING A PERSON’S LIFE.

yeah, but still the feeling sucks

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It All Began With A Lie

What a fool he was, to have faith in a girl like her….

Truth be told, it didn’t begin with a lie, it began with fear. Fear that if she told him what she was doing, he would’t allow her to go, he wouldn’t allow her to live her free spirited life. So she lied. She lied about where she was going, she lied about what she was doing, she lied about who she was going with.

Soon, she learnt the art of deception. She just didn’t tell him the full story. If she kept mum, she wouldn’t be lying because, in the first place, she didn’t say anything at all. She didn’t say she was going out to the club, she avoided her phone so he thought she was asleep. Or she’d say she was over at a sleepover, but she didn’t say it was an alcohol sleepover and she was chugging vodka.

And now, after all those years of lying and deception, someone else was lying to her. 

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If I Drink, If I Smoke

smoking is bad, do not smoke

I shall condemn smoking
I shall denounce your act
I shall not be misled by your uninformed judgment
I shall not be influenced by your foolish decisions to look cool 

….is how I feel I should face smoking, and people around me who smoke.

But why am I wired to reprove smoking when I’ve been surrounded my entire life by people who smoke. Who else to turn to but my wise mother…and the conversation went something like this:
“What do you think of people who smoke?”

“I dont care”

“So are you not annoyed if people around you (loved ones, friends) smoke?”

“Its none of my business what”

“What if I smoke”

“oh nono u kennut” (she sounded like she was joking when she said this…so I’m not sure if she really meant it lol)

“Dont worry I’m not smoking.. but like idk if I should be against my friends smoking…like what if suddenly Denise wants to smoke? (she does not, this is as hypothetical as it gets – sorry I used ur name Denise hahahah) Am I supposed to scold her and be super against it?”

“I dont care about other people”

Moral of the story: I’m still not sure whether I am against loved ones picking up smoking because I was wired to think that way or because I am truly against it (like duh I study the risks smoking brings to your body). Is it the stigma/ anti smoking campaigns that have ingrained this DO NOT SMOKE message into me? But why am I okay with certain people smoking and not okay with certain others doing it?

Why do I reject the cigarettes but welcome the vodka?

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What’s Yours Is Mine

Today I walked into my moms toilet and she looked at me and asked,
“What are you doing?”

“Taking cotton wool for my face”

“Is it no need to ask?”

“But whats yours is mine.”

“No, you still have to have the courtesy to ask.”

“But you always say whats yours is mine to me.”

“Because I paid for it.”

The End.

Moral of the story: Its always polite to ask / stop being so self assuming