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The Human Condition

“You’re gonna perpetually be in the state of mind of a being teenager, where you’re analysing every single action that you take and hating yourself, even though nobody really cares” – Anna Akana

Indeed Anna, indeed.

What a timely time for this video that Anna Akana posted on Youtube just 5 minutes ago.
Backstory: Basically, there is a group of seniors that I always notice in the library, and for some reason I’m always looking in their direction so it seems like we always catch one another’s glance but we’ve never spoken. So today, unsurprisingly, they were in the library again but this time, one of my friends was sitting with them. SO, I went up behind him and gave him a scare before carrying on my merry way back to my seat. Then I found out that those seniors that I keep having awkward eye contact with, thought that I was freaking weird. Or rather, they think my that senior friend is weird for hanging out with me. And for the next hour + in the library I sat there replaying that cringe worthy moment where I went up and ‘boo’ed my senior friend and walked away laughing, and how they must have been like wtf. And man did I feel awful thinking that these group of people thought I was weird.

3 hours later, I’m sitting here wondering why the heck I care what these people think of me? Like who are they to judge me when they don’t even know me? Then I ask myself, why am I am bothered by them having this impression of me. Do I think they’re cool – no. Are they in any way superior to me – no. Does their existence have any impact on me – no. Are they Beyonce????? NOOOOO. So who are they to judge the kind of jokes my friends and I have. Right????

So, I shall stop feeling this cringey feeling and let it go.

 

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Perspective

As I sat there mourning over the loss of my spectacles – my big round spectacles that hide my insecurities lol,  I got a text from my pal and she said “On the bright side at least u didnt lose the real imps things like wallet, phone”.

Then it hit me, yah, imagine if I had lost my phone. I need to start looking at things from a different perspective.

Another time, I was grieving over my awful performance on a exam that was relatively easy and how I wanted to pick the correct answer SO MANY TIMES and I just kept picking the wrong answer because I kept thinking THEY’RE TRYING TO TRICK US. Or maybe I’m giving myself an excuse and I just didn’t know my content WELL enough. But for some reason I feel like I overthought because of what I studied. If I didn’t know all the factors that made me reconsider, I would’ve chosen the correct answer because it was so simple. 

But yeah, perspective: At least I haven’t done something TOO dire that will affect my big bang exam next year, this was just a small mcq exam in my whole medical schooling life, AT LEAST I DIDN’T FAIL AT SAVING A PERSON’S LIFE.

yeah, but still the feeling sucks

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What’s Yours Is Mine

Today I walked into my moms toilet and she looked at me and asked,
“What are you doing?”

“Taking cotton wool for my face”

“Is it no need to ask?”

“But whats yours is mine.”

“No, you still have to have the courtesy to ask.”

“But you always say whats yours is mine to me.”

“Because I paid for it.”

The End.

Moral of the story: Its always polite to ask / stop being so self assuming

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She Jeered

“Be somebody who makes everybody feel like a somebody”

Gotta stop scoffing and jeering at people when they don’t know or have never tried things I know and have experienced.

Goodness what a habit character trait. Despite them not knowing one thing I know, imagine all the thousands of things they may know that I’m clueless about.

Come on, be more humble and understanding and down to earth and not such a snob

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Uncertainty

Been having these off an on moments about studying overseas and whether going to that  school and doing that course is something I want to do. Moments where I really sincerely want to take the easy route and stay here in my comfort zone – not exactly the hardest course in the world, family, friends, familiar ground, familiar language.

And in those small moments, there’s this little glimmer of excitement that is ready to dive into this new experience waiting for me.

I guess it will never be something worthwhile if there was no risk or uncertainty involved.

“He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life”

-Muhammad Ali

 

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New Year New Me 3.0

(ALIFF!!!) TIME HAS FINALLY COME FOR A PART 3!! R U READY?

Heres a link to NYNM 1.0 and 2.0 (click the 1.0/2.0 to be linked to the old posts) and also ‘everything I was supposed to be’ 2014 edition and 2015 edition , which were posts that compiled, summarised and linked all the posts I wrote in those 2 years about self improvement and the kind of person I wanted to be.

On to 2016’s new years resolutions….

  1. WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK ABOUT YOU DOESN’T MATTER
    This was in pt1, it was in pt2 and its still in pt3. Although less severe than it was at the start of 2015, I still feel very aware of how I am perceived by other people. And I realised, it is because of this weakness that I steer away of situations with the slightest hint of awkwardness
  2. THINGS DON’T HAVE TO BE AWKWARD
    I’m not sure why I have this assumption that meeting people for the first time HAS to be awkward or going out with someone I haven’t seen in a long time means awkward silences will find its way into conversation. Its like…why be shy when you can be confident and friendly and all those other adjectives that are synonymous with ‘sociable’.
  3. STOP USING MY PHONE SO MUCH
    To be like a Chew and not use my phone so much. In Thailand, all of us were at the dining table just using our phones because we weren’t doing anything else. He used his phone for 10 minutes then just….stopped. The whole trip I rarely saw him use his phone even though he had 3G, while the rest of us 3G-buyers were just on our phones.
    Also, I remember once I was taking the train home with Edwin and Aaron and I kept checking my phone and Aaron asked my why I kept looking at my phone. And both of them had their phones out of sight. THAT INCIDENT HAS FOREVER BEEN ETCHED IN MY MIND.
  4. OBSERVE AND REMEMBER
    I feel like partly because I’m always on my phone that the world just zooms by and I’m drifting through life. In Thailand, we were in a van and someone said “we’re almost there” and I was like “wat how you know, everything looks so foreign”, then he said “we passed here when we came from the airport”…and this was like day 3/4 of the trip and he could remember the route that we drove past ONCE.
    Another time, a taxi didn’t know how to get to our hostel and Chew and Aaron just walked the streets and brought us back the way the bus drove to the hostel on the first day. My sense of direction is pretty good when I pay attention but its just that I DONT…and I need to be more observant.
    In other aspects as well, like be more aware of peoples feelings and the little details. Whats the point in listening but not committing what they tell you to memory?
    And also, the number of times I’ve heard people tell Chew something exciting (like that one time it was something about a canoeist making it to the national team) and a few hours later he used that piece of information to talk to someone else. Only when Chew brought it up, I remembered that I too knew about this piece of information. If Chew didn’t mention it though, that information would have just ended with me.
  5. BE LESS WHINY
    Heard a recording of me recently…bless…
  6. BE LESS HEAVY HANDED AND AGGRESSIVE
    I don’t know why but when I put cups down, theres always a “BONG” and I can’t put it down nicely. Also sometimes I can’t speak nicely and it sounds pretty unattractive.
  7. MORE PRAISING, LESS SHAMING
    Someone once mentioned something about how disgusting it is that people use gossip to make friends. Upon reflection, I realise that often in conversation, I find myself talking about other people. Instead of bad mouthing other people so that the person I’m conversing with and I have a common enemy, I think its important to praise more. Dont talk about people I don’t like, talk about people i DO like. You can make friends by admiring the said person together lol.
  8. STOP WALKING LIKE A DUCK
  9. STOP TRYING TO PLEASE EVERYONE
    but also don’t be a douche la

Hmm…I feel like this set of New Years Resolutions/ everything I need to be doesn’t feel as genuine as (although pretty similar to) NYNM 2.0 , but still, they are aspects I need to improve on.

my youth is yours

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Everything I’m Supposed To Be pt(ii)

2015
(click the title to be directed to the original post!)
New year, new me : omg aliff made so much fun out of this last time. IF YOU WANT TO ACHIEVE GREATNESS, STOP ASKING FOR PERMISSION. best advice I was given this year and I think it really helped me grow a lot. Phone thing not really working because I’m more than addicted now and Im on it 24/7. Friends thing….its now back to 2 people i text continuously unlike last year when the count went up damn high. But ya keeping close friends- close… Occasional chats with other friends are still nice (-: but really dk how to keep condos going anymore
New Year, New Me 2.0 : Hahah there was a 2.0. Phone…still addicted, but on it less when Im around friends!!! That part is working I guess.. I think this post has been accomplished quite well, especially now that canoe’s out of the way..It makes prioritizing a lot easier and I don’t have to interact so much anymore. Plus I’m not around the boys so much so I don’t swear as much hahaha
You are my CONSTANT
 : “Where did we go wrong
because we were at crossroads:
to salvage the remnants,
or to chuck the memories.
How do I let myself feel the feelings when the feelings are too strong, too destructive to be felt.”
You are not my constant, and I am okay with it.
Contented mixed feelings : because of this post I revived my 3 Things I’m Thankful For Today thing and its the thing thats been keeping me going right up to now…really helps make my day better. EVERYONE SHOULD DO THIS
To The Better You : I KEEP TALKING ABOUT BEING A NICER PERSON. AND I MENTIONED THE CONTRADICTION similar the happy one, like being nice to someone I don’t like.
But also lessons learnt: be nice for others not for yourself, compliment instead of insult, bloom the way your flower was meant to bloom and not to out-bloom the flower blooming next to it.
Be the Girl…BUT : okay, there were so many ideals and this imagery of this ‘type’ of girl i wanted to be. I guess there IS a certain type of character or personality that people like more than others but SELF ACCEPTANCE is key

Honestly this year is passing so quickly I can’t even breathe. I feel like everyday is just a day of emotional stress because of school that it leaves no room to be stressed about other things like friendships and such its just PRELIMS PRELIMS PRELIMS. Really completely frazzled…Its good and bad I guess. Keeps my mind occupied and I’m less aware of the things happening around me and the things I’m doing which is somewhat peaceful (though contradictory)…but school :/
but SELF IMPROVEMENT YES