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Feelings are thicker than Blood

You chose her, over me.
You chose your happiness over the vows you made.
You chose freedom over your responsibilities.
There’s no good cop, bad cop- you’re just a bad person.
I wish I could say I loved you the same, but I can’t.
I wish our relationship would remain the same, but it won’t – not after knowing what you have done –  not just to me but to others as well, not after finding out you are not the person I thought you were.

At the back of my mind, something is telling me I shouldn’t have exposed you.
But if I didn’t, I think I’d die from hating you from within.

You shouldn’t be apologising for not sharing this part of your life with me, you should be apologising for creating this life away from me.

You chose her over me

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I Want…

Today I was asked what I want for my birthday. Make up? Clothes? Stationery?

“What are your desires? What you want, not what you need, Nik.”

I want to be better

I want and need you
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The Little Things

When he can’t send me home, there’s a sting in my heart that I have to travel all the way home by myself

When I have to travel all the way to the West, I forget all the times he’s picked me up and sent me home

When I want attention, I pester and I whine.

Its so easy to forget that for all those rides he takes home with me, he has to head home on his own.
For all those times I travel to him, he’s come to me x5.
I forget that even though I’m fully energised, he’s tired from guard duty the night before, but made an effort to plan our date.
Its so easy to think of myself and feel like his love isn’t enough.

But its more than enough- its the greatest, most selfless and abounding love I could ever receive and I should be more grateful.

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Perspective

As I sat there mourning over the loss of my spectacles – my big round spectacles that hide my insecurities lol,  I got a text from my pal and she said “On the bright side at least u didnt lose the real imps things like wallet, phone”.

Then it hit me, yah, imagine if I had lost my phone. I need to start looking at things from a different perspective.

Another time, I was grieving over my awful performance on a exam that was relatively easy and how I wanted to pick the correct answer SO MANY TIMES and I just kept picking the wrong answer because I kept thinking THEY’RE TRYING TO TRICK US. Or maybe I’m giving myself an excuse and I just didn’t know my content WELL enough. But for some reason I feel like I overthought because of what I studied. If I didn’t know all the factors that made me reconsider, I would’ve chosen the correct answer because it was so simple. 

But yeah, perspective: At least I haven’t done something TOO dire that will affect my big bang exam next year, this was just a small mcq exam in my whole medical schooling life, AT LEAST I DIDN’T FAIL AT SAVING A PERSON’S LIFE.

yeah, but still the feeling sucks

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It All Began With A Lie

What a fool he was, to have faith in a girl like her….

Truth be told, it didn’t begin with a lie, it began with fear. Fear that if she told him what she was doing, he would’t allow her to go, he wouldn’t allow her to live her free spirited life. So she lied. She lied about where she was going, she lied about what she was doing, she lied about who she was going with.

Soon, she learnt the art of deception. She just didn’t tell him the full story. If she kept mum, she wouldn’t be lying because, in the first place, she didn’t say anything at all. She didn’t say she was going out to the club, she avoided her phone so he thought she was asleep. Or she’d say she was over at a sleepover, but she didn’t say it was an alcohol sleepover and she was chugging vodka.

And now, after all those years of lying and deception, someone else was lying to her. 

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Have you ever been hit by an emotion?

The feeling manifests in your heart. Then, almost immediately its transmitted to every part of your body. Imagine neurons and the emotion is an action potential, jumping from synapse to synapse. You feel it travelling in ur arms your legs, goosebumps literally appear a second later. Tears swell up in your eyes, all you feel is an ache in your heart and a helplessness in your mind. And thats my description of being hit by an emotion, namely – sadness.