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ordloh

i really wanted to go, believe me.
i woke up and mourned over the fact that i was not allowed to celebrate this occasion with you.
the first time i would have ever been there to celebrate an army occasion with you in person, a milestone in your life.
seeing the smile on your face, you march together with ur coy. Even through the screen of someone’s phone, the video was enough to make me feel proud…even your stupid dab at the end made me chuckle to myself.
i wanted to take insta story after insta story showing my friends which one you were, i wanted to give you the most fan girl hug ever, i wanted to give you the gift i had been thinking about getting you for months.
but i couldn’t because we are not together anymore and you have since moved on.
did u want me there? did u not? i can’t tell.
i can only imagine ur friends saying “fuck her lah”
but thats only flattering myself. maybe you’ve moved on completely and you didn’t even care. but you’re not that kind of person ): you always cared, and i always made the mistake of thinking you didnt.
i wish you knew how much you are appreciated and loved, how much you were missed every time the army made you their bitch.
i wish i was there. but your happiness isn’t mine to share anymore and theres nothing i can do about it.

congratulations! you did it.

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Updates

Its been a while since I put my thoughts into words and shared my monthly memories. I’ll try and do a quick catch up from december till may.

Stay tuned

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What’s Yours Is Mine

Today I walked into my moms toilet and she looked at me and asked,
“What are you doing?”

“Taking cotton wool for my face”

“Is it no need to ask?”

“But whats yours is mine.”

“No, you still have to have the courtesy to ask.”

“But you always say whats yours is mine to me.”

“Because I paid for it.”

The End.

Moral of the story: Its always polite to ask / stop being so self assuming

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Restricted

It’s starting to annoy me that I don’t have the freedom my fellow 97-liners do. Having to walk on egg shells before I ask for permission to go out. Waiting for the right time, the right mood. Adding the fact that I’m only here for less than 2 months. PLUS getting the response “idk, i just want to say no” when asked for the rationale behind my confinement.

Maybe one day when I’m older I’ll understand why I’m being put through this ordeal just to go out at night..but for now I just want to go out and be able to make my decisions. Obviously I’m not going to go out every night, come home at 4am every day….

I just… ugh

im twenty

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Mind Over Body

Food is my kryptonite.

I really..ugh.. feeling so untoned and blobby is making me feel so awful everyday. I exercise and for some reason people say I look like I put on weight. Then I look at food and I want to eat everything.

And everyday is an internal battle on wanting to eat what I want to eat or having to eat healthily.

Isn’t it funny how when I first came I didn’t give 2 shits about what I was consuming and was like NASI LEMAK, NASI KUKUS, TAU HUEY CHWEE, CHICKEN RICE, SAO ROU, KFC, MIXED RICE THAT COST RM10, and I didnt seem to be putting on weight. And yet now, when I’m watching what I’m eating, I’m still putting ¬†on weight?

wHYYYYYYY

READ the other time I felt this shitty here: When The Muscles Fail