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Overly – attached

I am .

and for some reason, every muscle in my body is telling me to ABORT ABORT ABORT.
why am I getting annoyed at things that shouldn’t annoy me? Why is this igniting an internal battle on whether to allow the anger to manifest or to contain it because I’m being immature and feel like I have no right to be agitated.

0

Lies

Sometimes I feel like you’re hiding something. There’s some part you haven’t revealed and I don’t know why. Maybe that bit of you, is actually the real you behind all this pretense. Maybe not. idk.

2

Full Of Feelings

I don’t even know where to begin. I guess it started when I decided to sit beside him on the second day of lectures even though I (judged him when he sat behind me at lecture on the first day and was talking about his cat’s bleeding ass hahah) thought he was a little too loud and random to be friends with. But anyway, we were put in the same OG after me over hearing his cats tragedy and played orientation games together that night.

The more we talked, the more I realised how alike we were. We were practically on the same wavelength. We laughed at the same things (like bad grammar) and whenever I wanted to make a comment about something, he’d say it just before I did, in the exact same way I voiced it in my head.

He was a really great pal and fetched me to and from the mall when I had to run my errands and we’d sing in the car. He got parking at Covillea so he’d walk me home at night. And I remember this moment very clearly: putting my hand on his arm and saying that this is the start of a great friendship.

Not that it can’t be a great friendship, but its just that now, we can’t journey together because he’s a senior in Sem 4. Its not like we won’t see each other around or can’t hang, but the amount of time we’ll get to be together is definitely going to be significantly lesser than it couldve been if he was in Sem 1 with us.

I was so ready for Rachel, him and I to journey together on this IMU adventure. And was truly so thankful to have them as friends here. Celebrating his birthday at Inside Scoop, just the 3 os us, solidified it. Writing our message to him on the board, engraved it. (lol so trivial right, but that meal was rly special to me). Going back to school with him driving, Rachel in front and I, at the back. This warmth transcended over me, and I just idk…felt like a family. But now, the fact that he’s a senior…it changes things.

During the performance night after Rach told me something was up with him and he sent a very serious text, I got worried and spent half an hour trying to look for him. But long story short, he said he was somewhere else with someone else and that he’d text me later. So I went back in and the performance started. They revealed the pseudo juniors in the  different groups one by one, on stage. 3 of the people from our group revealed themselves as seniors. And this entire time, he was texting me, being all shocked and shit.

Then I realised all these people were in black hoodies, and for some reason, he tied his hoodie around me a while earlier. 90% of me knew he was a senior by then but I still clung on to the 10%. I really really clung onto it. But then he went up on stage and my heart dropped. It literally felt like my heart was getting crushed and I broke down.

And now I can’t. I can’t be around him like I was before. I can’t talk to him the way I did before. I can’t joke with him like before. And its all because of the difference in semester. It really shouldn’t matter but I don’t know why I’m so affected. And it sucks.

Every time I think about him walking onto stage and turning around, I’m just upset -not at him, not at the system but at the fact that he’s a senior and that for now, I can’t be around him and be happy.

I’m sure this will pass, and a few weeks down the road, I’ll see him walking around school and run up to hit him or smth (i really hope it gets better) but for now…its as if he’s a complete stranger to me even though he’s essentially the same person. All because of the difference in semester.

0

Moving In

Beyond grateful for the people who came to send me off. Grandparents, who cancelled their golf plans to come and send me off instead. Snow White, who despite only knowing me for 4 days, almost all came down to send me off. All of them even reached before I did. AND the really sweet photo album with our 4 days of memories (even from coconut boi hue hue). Canoe, who made a diabetic cake that was quite delicious. Thought I only had maboy Aaron and Edwin coming and  legit thought Adilah wasn’t coming BUT SHE DID, didn’t think Chew and Matt would come BUT THEY DID. JieMei’s came tooooo and they were so ‘ahh dk if i can make it’ (except darrell tan) and they all turned up!!! Even Hasif who never even mentioned it!! (except sheryl who had dance practice). And ZOO who are practically family. (what else do I need to say about them ((: )  Nathan, for coming after ur duty in uniform bc u know I like the NDU uniform hehe. Hong Lin, for always jioing me for breakfast and always coming to Bishan for me and now all the way to Changi Airport, even tho its been so long since West Timor. Justin, who ended up cabbing to make it in time 

Denise showed up at my house in the morning to help me get to the airport. MY BEST FRIEND EVERYONE. IMG_6763

Then we went to the airport and people started arriving at McDonalds (sw was alr there) and yay (-:

The time it took me to fly to KL, was equivalent to the time it took denise to get home from the airport.

Then we spent the next 2 days shopping non stop from 9am to 11pm. Then fixing everything up and unpacking….wala…

love my cosy room, equipped with Bath and Body Works candles, speakers to blast my kpop, ikea products EVERYWHERE and polaroid wall (bc mainstream).

Then school started…and here are some of my friends….

Basically briefings in the day and orientation till 2am, then coming home to talk to ma family and friends and doing grown up stuff like laundry and cleaning and organising ahahahaha things i never had to do before. This independent thing is pretty satisfying.

 

Today I finally slept in, bc yesterday (Saturday) we had orientation around KLCC and watched a movie and I had to collect my contacts so it was a pretty long day.

No alarm felt great, and I travelled to Mid Valley Mega Mall to run errands with Rachel and Xin Hui. Today was so productive it was amazing. ok…bye…

I think my schedule has just been too packed for me to feel anything. idk I deviated from this style of post a long time ago, but I can’t seem to write properly anymore…if its because I’m busy, its gonna get a lot worse.

 

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Midnight Thoughts

I’m supposed to be having fun but I can’t let go. I can’t stop comparing it to old experiences. I can’t let go and enjoy without feeling like I don’t belong because this isn’t what I’m used to. I felt more at home at NUS than I do here, even though NUS was supposed to be temporary and this is the real deal.

I’m investing too much in my relationships over the phone, people think I’m the kind of person that can’t live without her phone. I’m clinging on to memories and figures far away but really I should be enjoying my time here instead of trying to remain status quo with ‘Singapore me’.

My heart skips a beat every time I read certain words from you. I feel loved and blessed. But also I don’t want to be clingy because I’m lonely and far away but instead because I really want to be a part of this.

update y’all about my moving and uni life next time…its 2am and I am exhausted

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Fear vs Love

Whether I love you or whether I am afraid of losing you is what has been bothering me recently.

Whether I’m afraid we will stop being close or whether I’m afraid we’ll stop hanging out…is it the same fear or is it fear out of love?

Those nights I wanted to hang wasn’t because I loved you, it was because I was afraid if I didn’t, I would be forgotten and lose you forever.

A fear so powerful, it overwrote any love I felt for those who mattered more.