When The Muscles Fail

….the mind takes over…

That was canoe mantra for the entire period we were training for Nats (well for me at least). Let me elaborate on the wonders of this quote, so nicely printed onto to the back of our static kayak t-shirts.

First, different variations of our training schedule.
When we had school, it was usually 2 gym, 2 water, morning run:
– Gym
Tues– Morning Run
Wed– Water
Thurs – Gym
Sat– Lornie 6km Run/ Forest 70%, 80%, 90%, 100% run, Water, Afternoon Water

During June/ December holidays, we spent our entire day at macritchie. Going for morning run, then paddling, having lunch, sleeping at mushroom cafe, followed by afternoon paddling. Sometimes we had to go to school to gym instead of a second paddling session (this was the killer 9 times a week training) :
-Land, Water
Tues – Water, Water
Wed – Water
Thurs –
Water, Land
Fri – Water, Water

Before Nats, we had water Mon-Sat. You finish at 430, you rush down to paddle as much as you can and do after water programme.

We ran ~10km, paddled > 30km, did > 400 pull ups, 1000000 push ups, gazillion box pulls a week.

But it was all good because we were doing it as a team and every one was going through the same shit as you. I loved to run, I loved paddling in my k2, k4 (not k1 fk k1) and something that was so physically AND mentally exhausting was actually made enjoyable (somewhat, i probably hated it while we were paddling 18km or doing 20x500m sprints). But at least feeling accomplished at the end of trainings made every thing worth it.

Even FOOD BAN. I REFRAINED FROM EATING MY CHICKEN CHIP KAYA WAFFLE FOR 5 MONTHS. 5 MONTHS. I ate salad, porridge, wraps AND NO MAKAN BAGUS FOR THE ENTIRETY OF FOOD BAN. No sweet drinks, no fried food. NONE. And I attribute that to wanting to cleanse my body from grease and fats so that we could do well for Nats. I guess that motivation is a lot stronger than wanting to lose weight because trying to exercise now and control my diet is DISASTROUS.

There is no self control, there is no will power. WHAT happened to the power of the mind? )-: its hard to do things alone, without a purpose and loving food.

I used to be able to push myself so hard during runs just because I wanted to reach first, or because I couldn’t give up and had to lead by example. Pushed myself until I almost blacked out, until I’m about to puke, until I can’t even move. Now whenever I’m slightly tired, I just TAKE A BREAK. excuses. But it really is very hard.

I get so revolted by the way my body looks now, so nauseated by how lazy my movements are. How fat my arms are, delts aren’t rock hard, lats are covered with a layer of fat, stomach isn’t toned but instead a pudge, cellulite all over my thighs, flabby calves, sausage like forearms, no sharp jaw line, JUST FAT. And I’m motivated to exercise when I look in the mirror. But its not enough. It will never be enough because I can’t exercise like we did in canoe. (spoken by a fellow sportsperson, ex softball player).

tb to toner, leaner daysIMG_1989IMG_5284


Happy Birthday to Me

A nice and quiet birthday this year.

Dinner w Ee and Mama and the cousins at a penang buffet who’s not-so-famous penang food was wayyyyy better than the famous onesIMG_3874

Then the week after, it was dinner with the parents. AND the first time I actually drove since passing my driving test.
This was how I drove cause my heels were too high lolIMG_3988
Free Sunday for the birthday girl at Hard RockIMG_3991

Zoo had dinner at Timbre. And this outings’s theme was: white and sexy. IMG_4080IMG_4063IMG_4049

The next day was Korean Fried Chicken dinner with JM IMG_4091


Thanks everyone for the wishes (-: Last teen year????


Medicine? Life Science?

I got in- to study medicine. Not for a second have I ever doubted my want to do medicine. I questioned other people who never wanted to study medicine and yet applied for the course. People (like 90% of doctors I’ve met) told me to get out while I could. But I knew what I wanted to do and what I had to do to get there.

And yet when I received the acceptance letter, for the first time, I faltered. Am I willing to make the sacrifice required? To drop everything and thread into uncharted waters and risk an otherwise easy, not to mention cheaper, life?

Am I ready to slog it out for (literally) the rest of my life?  To take a route that is filled with uncertainty and no guarantees? Should I put my parents through the financial stress?

idk what to do


Unlocked…my heart?…or my blog?

I am unlocking my blog!!

And here’s a ‘how to navigate’ guide for optimum reading pleasure (-;

There are 3 basic navigating tools.
1. Tags: I categorise 95% of my posts into
-Reflections (sappy emo posts)
-Confessions (even more sappy unrequited love emo posts, this time with cool sentence structures)
-Canoe (Canoeing was such large part, it has its own tag)
-Vlogs (Like when canoe went to JB or the one of the zoo adventures)
-Monthly (monthly recaps)

2. Archive: basically just posts sorted into the month/ year they were posted

3. Search bar: For keywords or titles you wanna check out (pretty self explanatory)
Different platforms have different viewing styles…

1. Computer is the most straight forward, everything can be found on the right
2. Phone is harder
– Scroll all the way to the bottom and click “View Full Site”
– Then the archives, tags and search bar will be at the bottom


Forget My D.O.B

I never understood how people forgot their own birthdays. Until today…..

Up until this year, I would wake up on my birthday and be filled with excitement. Like literally would jump out of bed and sing it’s my birthday it’s my birthday. But today I woke up and did my morning routine to get ready to reach the hospital by 8am. 

This entire day doesn’t feel like my birthday. Until someone says 16 May and for the first 5 secs, that is just a date to me…then it registers. 

I guess birthdays aren’t a big thing BUT THEY ARE TO ME. 


Lost In Translation: As Long As You’re Happy

Previous post: Please Don’t Say You Love Me

I saw the photo from the corner of my eye and I traced its outline briefly
And my heart began to sink;
not all the way to the bottom but mid way –
for I stopped myself before it could turn into self-pity

I saw the way your smile lit your face
And in that instant, it was as if all your pain had been erased

Was I jealous? Yes.
Was I happy for you? Yes.

That’s as far as my thought process went because any deeper and I might have just fainted from the heart ache. (Did you know: that when you feel sad, you heart literally aches because physical and emotional pain are processed in the same region of the brain. This stimulates the vagus nerves, or something like that, and your heart literally hurts) 

But as long as you’re happy, (I’m not entirely glad about this) but I will try to be for you
To say the very least, I’m relieved

Relieved that you are free from your past
Relieved I no longer have to tip-top on eggshells around you

But this relief comes with the same heart ache sadness;
realising that I can’t be the friend I used to be around you
All we will have is this superficial relationship


Because you will never care as much for me as I care for you
In fact, that scale is incomparable because I am a dot to you on this scale
and you were the world to me (ok not so dramatic I m exaggerating a little, but I CARED PLENTY)

And for that, I am being selfish and depriving you of my best quality of friendship.
The saddest part is I don’t think you’d even notice to care