Everything is fine. There’s no impending national exam, there’s no homework due, I have a family that cares, I don’t have a nemesis, everything is going as a holiday should. Im working a job I like, my boss is nice, the hours aren’t long, I’m learning. Everything is fine.
But every time I think of life and existence today, I’m out a breath, literally. It’s like someone punched their fist through my abdomen and is twisting any organ within reach. It always feels like something is wrong, and I don’t know how to fix it.
There may be no exam, no school, but results are coming.
I may not have nemesis, but who knows who doesn’t like me.
Everything is supposed to be fine.
Nothing’s wrong, but something always is.
There’s this point in time when you realise you dread something that is about to happen. For example, just 2 minutes ago, I dreaded the thought of having to travel to my tuition kid’s house tmr to supplement him with the mathematical skills his 14 y/o brain needs. Sometimes I dread having to wake up from my afternoon nap because I have to get ready for work. Occasionally, I dread setting an alarm because I arranged to meet someone the next day (not that I don’t want to meet the person, just the setting of the alarm, the snoozing, the dragging myself out of bed, the rushing cause you snoozed and now might be late.. yknow?)
And it got me thinking, why am I dreading all of this? I SIGNED UP FOR IT. I advertised to give tuition, I accepted the offer when they enquired. I wanted to work at the clinic, I looked for this job. Obviously I want to meet my friend, I arranged it at this particular timing. So why ‘sian’? I have no right because I asked for it. This is something I want to do.
Suddenly, everything becomes more optimistic. Suddenly it doesn’t seem like a chore anymore.
Today I baked, I didn’t get frustrated, I didn’t make a mess.
I would like to THANK
-my mother for buying a cake mixer and making my life so much easier
-the butter for not being difficult to wash off
-the flour from not exploding everywhere
-the batter for not making a fool out of me
-the nutella for not being difficult
Anyway, here’s how I did it:
(I followed this recipe but I changed abit of the measurements)
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp vanilla essence
2 tbsp caster sugar
200g brown sugar
200-210g plain flour
250-300g chocolate chips
1. Preheat your oven to 170 degrees celsius. Cream the butter and sugars till light and fluffy.
2. Add the egg and vanilla essence.
3. I added some sea salt at this point even though her recipe didn’t say to….and my chocolate chips started to melt as I mixed it so the mixture became dark brown
4. Remember to test your oven and the shoe of your cookies!
5. Sprinkle some sea salt, NOT TOO MUCH bc some was added to the batter
“At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, is usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we’ve chosen those people, we tend to stick close by, no matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping.” Grey’s Anatomy
Caught between wanting to stick by you and not wanting to be a pesky fly that won’t leave you alone.
As the great vamps one said, “all I ever wanna be, yeah yeah, is somebody to you”
“So stop letting the smallest things ruin your whole entire day. If you’re bored with your daily routine, do something unexpected. Stop complaining about how alone you are when you’re surrounded by people who actually care about you. Forget all the drama and let go of all the grudges you’ve been holding. Stop wasting time lingering over all that you could have, should have and would have done. Stop spending your days thinking of how much better you could do; stop longing for something that has been and always will be out of your reach. Just live the days as they come. Wake up every morning and smile at the wonderful day that awaits you. Take a risk for once. Let yourself be happy… “
I did I personality test I saw from another blog (link to blog | link to quiz )
Below is part of the results I got and wah, RT // FAV. These days I tend to lash out at the people around me these days. And I keep having these aspirations like ooh I need to get my life together. I keep wanting to start writing in journals or keep a log book and doing this and doing that but nothing ever materialises. And now is like post As which is the best time to do things we never did when we had school – like go out in the middle of the day on weekdays (how exciting, lol)..but then again I feel like I’m running out of time.
Also, there’s been this thing at the back of my mind recently and I’ve written so many blog posts surrounding this thing but I’ve never been able to post any of the material because everything is so raw and uncertain. I really have no clue what to make out of it/ how to address it/ how to solve it/ even just pretend like I’m making a big hooha out of everything and being overly sensitive. But I swear, I feel like something is wrong and people are either ignoring this thing or they’re hiding it, and I just feel like I’m in the dark. (lol I’m probably overthinking it but I didn’t know how to make it sound less dramatic).
(My results thingy below)
~You live your life in constant anticipation of experiencing something new and wonderful. However, at the moment you feel a lot of aggression inside. It’s possible that recently you’ve been experiencing a lot of negative emotions and have the desire to finally resolve something that’s been bugging you for a long time. You need to calm down and relax. The time has come to do something new. You have the ability to draw a huge amount of strength from yourself, whilst at the same time remaining a tender and loving person.~
Timing is everything
I used to crave the attention, the reciprocated responses
I used to love the electricity, the cheap trills
Before, it used to feel like fireworks, euphoric almost
Now, all I feel is a cold and cynical emptiness
I do not wish for that emptiness to be filled, because it is not time for it to be filled.
incomplete is the new black