I’m sorry I prioritized my feelings over how I made you feel. I will continue apologizing until I have convinced myself that I am a better person. But I will also continue snapping because my heart is immersed in acidified thoughts, and it stings. It no longer burns like it used to because I am used to the dull pain these insidious thoughts cause. The scars however will remain. Even though one day I will forget the narrative you told, the emotions you stirred are etched.
Does that make any sense? I just opened wordpress and the paragraph above just started writing itself with no head or tail. Today has been filled with sadness (even though not the saddest I’ve felt while blogging, there have been worse), not just because of prelim grades but because of everything thats happening. This dull ache in my chest has been persistent for so long and I don’t know what is causing it or why its there. Maybe because theres no training to distract me from the reality that is As, but I’m sick and tired of trying and failing. I’m tired of studying and still feeling stupid.
I’m also tired of trying to be a friend, maintaing friendships and discovering new friendship induced emotions. This whole process is so tiring. Why are we even trying? Are you gonna stay forever? We were always around each other for more than a year and now I don’t even get a glance anymore. You wouldn’t look for me the way I used to look out for you.
It feels like the past year and a half didn’t even happen.
Do I forgive THEN forget or forget and THEREFORE forgive. Maybe I have a poor memory or maybe I subconsciously refuse to remember the negativity, but its easy for me to forget the hurt, to forget all the bad experiences and the ill feelings. Is this a blessing or a curse? I am no longer filled with abhorrence when I look at you, I don’t remember the humiliation you put me through but also, I don’t remember the promise I made to never trust you again. (I also don’t remember the places I swore I’d never eat at again and always end up being disappointed by my food aish). I am foolish to trust you again, why do I continue to paint my thoughts out for you only to have you laugh at the mismatched colors. I forget how little you invested and how much I spent building. Do I continue forgetting to forgive?
The past few days have been the most relaxed I’ve felt in a long time. Without that nagging feeling of having to study and just pure calmness, I feel like my friendships have grown stronger.
Hadn’t seen the team in a very long time, because of prelims and everything. Edwin was literally the only canoe person I saw everyday cause we went to school/ home on exam days. Seeing Wei Qian, Jam, Margey on Thursday and catching up with them over lunch really triggered a lot of canoe memories and all the shit we used to go through, but also all the other really pleasant/ retarded canoe-esque stuff we experienced together as a team. Today, Saturday, we had our canoe farewell dinner. Today was also the first time we had a htht in a bigger group. Margey, Adilah, Wei Qian, Emma and I sat at the baby pool and just talked. I mean we’ve had girl hthts before within the team but today really felt like we were having a htht as the girls canoe team, and not like our own small htht….yknow what I mean? I actually learnt a lot of things about my teammates that I didn’t even know despite being around them 24/7 in the past. Theres this sudden feeling of the whole team just suddenly being closer…I hope it lasts.
We finally spent time together as 5. After the paper on Wednesday we went to celebrate kims birthday and Jo came! We watched Inside Out and also went to ice skate. (like oh normal normal right for people who go to jcube) but the fact that everything was spontaneous made everything so much more special. (everyone knows I’m not spontaneous and I don’t do things without planning before). Then on Thursday I had a > 30 min talk with jo on the phone. It wasn’t that long cause I was supa tired and fell asleep but its the fact that Jo and I usually don’t talk on the phone. On Friday practically spent 12 hours with Jo and the whole late afternoon to midnight with the rest of the ZOO at USS. Friday was the first time going to a theme park with friends and the waiting time was actually very short. 85 minutes didn’t even seem like 85 minutes because of the company.
This whole week has allowed friendships to strengthen and I’m really grateful.
We constantly think they are incapable of being responsible, independent adults. We constantly jeer at the immaturity and foolishness. But we fail to realize that they are growing and experimenting. They don’t need us to baby them and for the past year plus plus that’s all I’ve found myself to be doing. Being disappointed in their inadequacies, feeling frustrated because of their incompetences but I failed to realize they are actually better people with better minds then I will ever be/have.
I’m sorry for continually blaming you for your ‘stupidity’ when in fact it was me who was ignorant, inflexible and dumb.
Space and Time
I feel like pictures are all that are left as a sustenance of our memories. What we had, our little moments together, the times we laughed our hearts out or cried the pain away..everything will be forgotten. Every emotion that surged through my veins, every moment that replayed in my head that day will be obliterated unconsciously. As much as I enjoyed the moment, I’m afraid of the possibility of not remembering it. Will the friendship I worked so hard to forge in the past one and three quarter year be reduced to an evanescent memory.
And maybe its me, but time apart seems to fade what I thought we used to have. I can’t laugh like I used to, I can’t tell you what I used to be able to. Usually it lasts the whole of the first meeting after isolation from each other but it gets better once we see each other consistently after that. I don’t even know how to explain the mechanism behind these stupid feelings but I’m terrified of losing my friendship, terrified of only having pictures to remember what it was like, being so close but feeling like nothing now. And its not like I don’t want to be close to you, I just momentarily feel disconnected and I hope it doesn’t show because I want this to last.