I dreamt of you last night. You hated me. I don’t think my heart can take that kind of resentment from you. I just can’t….I’d do anything to save us, even if us is as insignificant as it is now.
Forgot to take down what made me thankful today and this crappy day is just getting worse and worse…
I feel like justifying yourself is like both clearing your name out of the shit its in but at the same time making you seem completely bitter. There was this person who ALWAYS felt the need to justify her actions and she’d get defensive when you were just making a passing remark. And it was like heeeyyy gurl hold up, it actually doesn’t really matter, we’re just kidding…..
Being put it the position where your intentions are being questioned or misinterpreted really makes you feel so crappy. And yet trying to say what they thought you were doing was not the case just makes you sound like you’re making excuses or covering up. Then they proceed to say ‘why you getting so defensive, chill’ and its just like ……
I don’t know la, jc is so tiring. This stupid thing happened twice to me today and it was just a cascade of negative feels.
happy death anniversary ras
Day wasn’t great in the morning. Got super pissed off at someone I don’t usually get pissed off at and for once I let myself feel the emotion and get angry instead of pretending I wasn’t angry or that everything was cool (tb to post about feeling emotions : A Moment of emotion except instead of sadness it was anger this time round). <<< this is soooo much better than suppressing because when I got over it, I really felt like I got over it and there weren’t any lingering feelings. Then got results slip and need to consult my teacher about my grades on friday…..
But after school, I went to Thomson Plaza for dinner and when I went to ask the prawn noodle aunty for more soup for my mom, she smiled so widely at me as she handed me the bowl cautioning me of how hot it was. The exact same thing happened again when I went to the beef bowl uncle to ask for more soup too. And just when I thought it couldn’t possibly happen again, when I paid for the groceries, the cashier aunty was so cheery and her smiled so broadly.
And you could feel it wasn’t any fake cheapo smile. All 3 smiles were genuine and hearty.
So, smile ~
I do this thing whereby after each day, I note down at least 3 things that happened that made me thankful/ and in a sense happy/ made me smile too. Sometimes the moments come and I get hit with waves of positive emotions and I make a mental note to put it down in the list, sometimes its not so straightforward and I have to reflect on what happened in the day.
Today as I tried remembering what happened in the day, I suddenly thought of Ian and I standing on the escalator going to the MRT. He was standing on the step above me eating the bread we bought earlier. My head level coincided with the level he was holding his bread and (I remember the scene so clearly), I looked in the direction of his bread. Suddenly his hand tilted forward, offering me his bread. idk I can’t explain it but when this scene replayed in my head, it made me feel warm. I know its just bread and it doesn’t mean much but like Ian’s a boy and boys don’t usually offer you food once they get their hands on it hahhaha and ya….
I think this whole reflecting on the day thing is a very good practice because it helps you find the smallest things that happened and it puts a smile on your face. Suddenly a full on crappy day can become 2% less crappy. Often, moments like these go unnoticed because sometimes it can be quite trivial (like people telling me they read my blog/ telling me their thoughts on what I wrote and giving me their own view/input) and we don’t realise how much of life we miss out on because we just drift by, day to day.
SO YES, TTITF EVERYONE!! (-:
Yknow how when you’re friends with someone and you develop this connection with that person that no one else has. Despite the fact that we have so many friends in common and dis-common (uncommon seemed inappropriate to use). Despite the fact that we’re such different people. We somehow manage to go in and out of this ‘world’ when no one else is around.
So what happened was a group of us were walking around in school and the 2 of us didnt really interact with each other and just participated in the conversation happening around us. Then, for a brief moment, the people around us left and it was just the 2 of us. And suddenly everything just transitioned into this comfortable euphoria that was unexplainable. It felt like if someone from the outside watched us interact, they for some reason, wouldn’t be able to understand what we were talking about or how this friendship seemed to function inexplicably well.
And it occurred to me that…this was the result of us sitting down and talking about everything that made us turn from friends to acquaintances to distant memories. The result of not wanting to lose a friend and doing something about it.
And in that moment, everything that went wrong…went right.
everything you do, do it with love, like you are in love
(click the title to be directed to the original post!)
New year, new me : omg aliff made so much fun out of this last time. IF YOU WANT TO ACHIEVE GREATNESS, STOP ASKING FOR PERMISSION. best advice I was given this year and I think it really helped me grow a lot. Phone thing not really working because I’m more than addicted now and Im on it 24/7. Friends thing….its now back to 2 people i text continuously unlike last year when the count went up damn high. But ya keeping close friends- close… Occasional chats with other friends are still nice (-: but really dk how to keep condos going anymore
New Year, New Me 2.0 : Hahah there was a 2.0. Phone…still addicted, but on it less when Im around friends!!! That part is working I guess.. I think this post has been accomplished quite well, especially now that canoe’s out of the way..It makes prioritizing a lot easier and I don’t have to interact so much anymore. Plus I’m not around the boys so much so I don’t swear as much hahaha
You are my CONSTANT : “Where did we go wrong
because we were at crossroads:
to salvage the remnants,
or to chuck the memories.
How do I let myself feel the feelings when the feelings are too strong, too destructive to be felt.”
You are not my constant, and I am okay with it.
Contented mixed feelings : because of this post I revived my 3 Things I’m Thankful For Today thing and its the thing thats been keeping me going right up to now…really helps make my day better. EVERYONE SHOULD DO THIS
To The Better You : I KEEP TALKING ABOUT BEING A NICER PERSON. AND I MENTIONED THE CONTRADICTION similar the happy one, like being nice to someone I don’t like.
But also lessons learnt: be nice for others not for yourself, compliment instead of insult, bloom the way your flower was meant to bloom and not to out-bloom the flower blooming next to it.
Be the Girl…BUT : okay, there were so many ideals and this imagery of this ‘type’ of girl i wanted to be. I guess there IS a certain type of character or personality that people like more than others but SELF ACCEPTANCE is key
Honestly this year is passing so quickly I can’t even breathe. I feel like everyday is just a day of emotional stress because of school that it leaves no room to be stressed about other things like friendships and such its just PRELIMS PRELIMS PRELIMS. Really completely frazzled…Its good and bad I guess. Keeps my mind occupied and I’m less aware of the things happening around me and the things I’m doing which is somewhat peaceful (though contradictory)…but school
but SELF IMPROVEMENT YES