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A Moment of emotion

Ok so the post I’ve been drafting for really long is taking longer than expected bc so many things have been getting in the way like MID YEARS …so short one today that was totally unplanned for…

To elaborate on what I want to share with you, I have to first tell you about a pussy moment that happened just now(haha)… I was watching the chinese 9 o’clock drama with my mum and it was the last episode. So yknow, last episode, all the EMOTIONS overflowing. Anyway, Tay Ping Hui and Xue Zhi  got married bc Xue Zhi had a tumor and she was gonna die but Tay Ping Hui fei chang fei chang de ai ta so he proposed and they took wedding photos…then she died in his arms at a park (cue broken pearl necklace of tears).
Last 2 minutes of the show, Tay Ping Hui was telling us how everyone was doing after 3 years, then he stared at the wedding photo and smiled and talked to her so happily and like CUE THE WATER WORKS, idk I started bawling.

I realised I haven’t felt such sadness in quite some time. I’ve been so caught up with Mid Years and feeling stressed that I’ve blocked out this emotional receptor. For so long its just been anger and stress (is this an emotion??) as I studied, occasionally meeting a few friends and happiness kicks in for a bit, that when this sadness hit me, it felt so foreign. It felt strange to have my heart ache, not from strenuous exercise (ha ha), but from feelings. Like how do you love someone so much, it doesn’t hurt? To envision your future without the one you love. Or like knowing someone important in your life is gone..forever..you’ll never hear their voice, get their opinion, ask for advice, or just talk.

This isolation from face to face human interaction has also set in. Haven’t seen friends in forever, I feel like I’m in my bubble again. hmm ok…emotions are strange but its nice to know I still have them.

whew that was unsettling, but its off my chest. Time for bed. Goodnight x.

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I’ll treasure you

(adapted from something I read a while ago)

Every once in a while, you meet someone who radiates an inner aura, a bright light. They make you feel treasured and valued, they make you feel funny and loved. They ask about you and they listen. (yknow how sometimes people are letting you talk, but they aren’t really listening, they’re just waiting for their turn to speak again). But with those people you feel like they truly want to get to know you. My being is warmed by such generosity of spirit, but like the original writer of this post, I feel somewhat ashamed that I have not yet achieved such depth of character.

To realise I wanted to be one of those people was the first step. To treasure friendships, not just that, but the people around me as well. 18 year olds are so fixated on FRIENDS school SOCIAL LIFE fun DATES, they neglect their family. I invest so much time in my friendships, keeping up with different people, adjusting my personality to fit into other people’s moulds. I exhaust myself with social activities to come home and reply everything with a uninterested ‘mm’.

Before I continue, let me tell you a story of a friend of mine. He is diligent and disciplined, smart and filial. In my eyes, this is his ranking: family, studies, football, friends. He is one of the nicest people I know and his being radiates this light despite everything he’s going through. He spent time laughing with us during training but he rarely cared to dilly dally and mingle with us after. It was straight to the showers to change then home to deal with whatever it was he had to deal with. If he wasn’t doing that, he was studying (mind you, he’s on honors roll and taking a h3).

It occurred to me that I don’t value my relationships well enough. I spread them out too widely instead of going for depth. Trivial issues took up most of my memory instead of the stuff/ people that actually mattered. In other words, I fked up (for lack of a better word) my priorities.

I admire the people who have achieved this unfakeable inner virtue, truly caring for who ever it is that have on their priority list and making them feel loved.

I hope I can make you feel the love and warmth you once blanketed me with, and hopefully you’ll always be there for me

Anyway, enroute to self improvement:
“The stumbler doesn’t build her life by being better than others; but by being better than she used to be.”

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May your May be as good as mine

May came and went like a bullet train. So many events happened in May its been a blur really but UPDATE.

We started May with our post comp dinner w the team and coach at Timbre. It was a fun experience. (got back at 12 but didn’t get into trouble wheewhee) IMG_9164

Then we had inter house games for the first time (last year sc1 had BMDP). Took part in tug of war, 4x100m sprints for thoburn and 4x100m sprints for canoe. HAHAh got wrecked for sprints but came in 3rd for tug of war (5/8 of us were canoeists) and sprints for cca. Think the canoe team is destined to be 3rd. Felt good to run around with the team again.

 

Some of the other events that took place were Uncle Neil’s wedding, west timor pic, watched evan play for the first time.IMG_9589 IMG_9791IMG_9842IMG_9852

16 MAY- what a wonderful day
Came to the school unsuspecting (bc it wasn’t actually my birthday so i didn’t expect anything to happen), but was greeted by weiqian and jam, and then phaedra and ruth. Margey, fellow birthday girl gave me stuff too <3. Then anyway day was going spectacular. Class got the May babies a wonderful tiramisu cake. Canoeists (Hsin An) baked Margey and I a cake and celebrated after school. I felt so blessed. Jiemeis gave me a delayed gift too. ITS SO LOVELY – a book w printed polaroids of diff events that happened and each of them wrote different notes for different pictures. SUPER love this kind of sentimental gift <3. Everyone was so lovely this year.
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Saturday- it was yacht time. The zoo got on a boat and cruised to St Johns island where we played on a Jet ski, mega float and kayak. The pictures came out so prettily and grateful for this group of friends who got me everything they could on my birthday wish list. ❤ Grateful for parents who organized everything too.   IMG_0041IMG_0260IMG_0263IMG_0281IMG_0283IMG_0296

Other May ventures:
Went back for water w Emma and we’re so white now its gr055. Miss training w my team IMG_0529

Processed with VSCOcam with c1 preset

 

Random Sunday adventures to cafes and photo taking worthy places

CANOE CAMP
Got to experience it for the 2nd time, but from the seniors perspective this time round. (think maybe I’ll post another post about this) But ya, first time I’ve seen the team wander off themselves and just mingle and bond like this without cliques/ segregation while Edwin Jam and I talked to Mr Yap. It was such a pleasant sight (: IMG_1104
Then we were up at 0630 for 5km runIMG_1108IMG_1166  IMG_1194IMG_9973

hmm May has been interesting. Mixed with so many event highs and so many emotional lows.

Slowly its starting to seem like I have to deal with the fact that some of the things happening now will soon become a distant, vague memory )-:

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Disappointed 

I just am…in you and in me. For not being what I wanted us to be. It was kinda of perfect in my head (*cue Tori Kelly’s all in my head*) but things just don’t go my way, they never do. And I just don’t know how to control my expression anymore. 

(Also my irritating traits are starting to show but idw to gaf anymore) 

Should I just walk away and go home