Protected: Moments I Live For

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Explore You With Me

On a rainy day, pick a funny movie and laugh your head off with me, then when that’s done, pick a romantic comedy and let me lie with you, like nothing else mattered other than you, me, the movie and the raindrops pelting down on your window panes.

On couple-y days, be my support and gingerly hold my hand because you thought I didn’t know how to ice skate, then race with me when you realise I’ve been ice skating since I was 9.

On adventurous days, take me on a boat into the middle of a lake to fish for fish and fish for prawn; to climb a rock wall; to stay out at night and people watch, contemplating life’s questionable questions with a bottle of wine.

On lazy days, let me bask in your presence. My head rising and falling with every breath you inhale and every thought you exhale. Let me listen to the thoughts you thought you’d never share.

On a fancy night, lets dine at a posh restaurant whose name we can’t even pronounce, eat a meal with at least 5 courses. When thats done, lets walk around, my heels in one hand, ur hand in the other and please never let go.

On teenage-love-affair nights, just once, lets buy tickets to a sucky movie, sit at the back and make out – just like they do in stereotypical american films.

On days like this, I wonder if we’d ever cross anything off this list. I wonder if you’d let me explore you, just as you explored me.

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Confused Friendships

“Some people may not like you as much, some people may just be tolerating you for the sake of tolerating you, some people genuinely like your presence.” 

Advice from a good friend really hit home today, especially the one on tolerating. I guess all friendships aren’t meant to work out and sometimes there really isn’t anything we/I can do about it. Friends come and go, but as long as I tried my best to keep the friendship going, I guess I’ve done my best?

Tbh, don’t know how the zoo put up with me for so long because I can be quite a sucky friend: can be insensitive, get jealous easily, sometimes take my friends for granted, mouth spouts nonsensical things I don’t mean, indecisive, rash…..but eternally grateful for my anchor of friends.

A long time ago, someone (A) told me he didn’t feel a strong connection with anyone in our group of friends and asked if there was anyone I wanted to be good friends with after everything ended and I said (B) and I really meant it. Its been almost a year since then. I’m sure A doesn’t feel the same way anymore because he clicks very well and has really strong friendships with some people. But I guess B and I will never be the great friends I thought we would be.

And it upsets me a little because I thought it’d really work out, given we were so similar. Or maybe I’m over thinking everything and everythings all good and because of my worrying I’m gonna ruin what we have left.

idk….new week new term new start

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Catch Me, I’m Falling

Just let go,
of the feelings you’ve been holding on to so tight

Just let go,
of the emotions you suppress at night

Just let go,
because none of it matters anymore, now that you’ve decided you’re past this infatuation

I don’t know how to articulate this but I want to laugh at myself for letting this one sided romance novel play on reruns in my mind for so long. Seems like no matter how freaking awesome my day went, I come home thinking about these stupid feelings. And like no wtf why should my happiness depend on someone else?

How will I know if he really loves me, sung the great Whitney Houston (Sam Smith did an awesome rendition btw). YOU WONT unless you actively seek his love. But I’m not going to do that haha. I’ve had enough of looking out for you, I’ve had enough of feeling sucky because you aren’t looking out for me, I’ve had enough of wishing ‘I was like that’ when you interact with other people and laugh your head off. WHAT A JOKE NICOLE. Literally got annoyed and started sulking for a while today because attention was diverted away like wat in the world child, get a grip.

Today someone told me to ‘Smile in your darkest days for they are your brightest.’ And I shall. No more sulking no more showing my displeasure because whats the use in that. Just grow, grow from these experiences. Stop trying to impress and do more of being myself.

Really time for self discovery right now and need to be freed from distractions. Self improvement, self discovery, self awareness is the journey I want to embark on for now. And maybe one day I’ll be ready to discover you, with you.

Falling in love is really very bittersweet. 

(sorry this post is all over the place but I just had to verbal vomit that out)

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To The Better You

In a moral quandary: to be or not to be nice.

I started the year deciding that it was enough of being rude and selfish and gross and it was time to put others before self, to be a better, NICER person.

I am not a nice person by nature and my natural instinct to be nice to people is unconscienously displayed unfairly (this favoritism thing that I’ve begun to despise).

How do you see the best in people? How are you so accommodating and kind even when these people piss the hell out of you. I have a very low tolerance for blur stupidity but some people just take it in, see the best in people and disregard the irritating traits. I want to echo these actions, I want to treat everyone with all niceness BUT if I am actually truly annoyed by you but try to be nice to you to your face, wouldn’t that make me a 2 faced disgusting hypocrite? What do I do?

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Being nice doesn’t mean showering someone with gifts. But I like to try to brighten someones day. Was super excited to buy the team 5 cartons of 100 plus. I like giving people surprise snacks because their expression when they receive it is priceless(not trying to vaunt) but ya I totally don’t mind  because I want to make someones day better. That’s the ultimate goal. And yet I feel like I did it for nothing because it feels unappreciated and they don’t realise the effort put into making these things happen. How my mum had to buy the drinks and I wasn’t around to help because I was at training, how after the first day of NJCC the first thing we did after leaving Macritchie was to go buy more drinks for the next day, how my parents had to lug it around macritchie. Don’t get me wrong, I really don’t mind and its all for the team so its all good but idk its more like they expect you to do these things and only a few actually really show their appreciation. But if I’m doing this for the recognition, then thats totally besides the point right? idk…do I call these selfish thoughts?

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Some people are super fantabulous at making other people feel loved and important. I am not one of these people because I like to be given attention. I get jealous when other people are getting attention (LOL). When I joke around with people, it usually steers towards the ‘insulting’ nature but why not compliment? How do I tune the words I say, the moves I make, the thoughts I think, to direct the attention to someone else and feel good about it, to make someone else feel significant?IMG_6315

Many feels about the next photo because ever since joining canoeing, ‘lead by example’ has always been at the back of my mind. Umpteen times I’ve buckled under the stress, and wanted to give up or take the easy way out. But I want to leave an indelible legacy, I want to be someones pillar of support, I want to be the voice that Emma hears when she runs because of the few times I ran behind her and pushed her, but instead of just Emma, everyone else as well.IMG_6310

Watched a video in the past about self improvement and how you should find someone you want to emulate and just focus on becoming like that person, replicating their behavior. Whatever resonates with your ideal, just imitate. I did that. But I chose the wrong model. The loud, funny exuberant girl everyone seemed to love. She was witty and rambunctious  but was she truly loved? She existed, she was there for the moment. Its been more than a year and who is the real mvp? Definitely not the boisterous boy crazy girl, but the conservative one who is nice and accommodating and all around lovely.

I don’t know but this year has been a roller coaster on this route to self discovery. Like who the hell am I? Like really really me and not the different sides that appears around different people.IMG_6314

thank you Jo for the pictures 

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Macritchie Livin’

Day 2 of March holiday training over and its not going the way I envisioned it in my head. I was so stoked for the training because we’d get to spend like 10 hours together everyday and really love the team. But I feel like my feelings aren’t..exactly reciprocated, I feel like we’re drifting through this week. Terms are over and its 3 weeks to Nationals, it is THE TIME to whack canoeing, its all or nothing, that 2/3/4 minutes in the lanes.

I get that everyones tired and hurts everywhere, but I feel like we’re letting that get in the way and everyone is just slowly disconnecting (me included). Its come to a point where we’re starting to question the passion we had for this sport and can’t wait for it to be over. But we all know after nats, we’re gonna miss this torture.

Reach 830, finish sets, do weights, lunch, sleep, train, weights, disappear. Interaction levels are minimal and kept to specific groups.

Idk…I just feel disconnected. An accurate sound description would be ‘meh’. Theres something very dreadful and low about the team spirit and morale and I don’t know how to lift it.