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You are my CONSTANT

(got no studying done last night, but my brain is currently saturated with fragmented thoughts I had meant to formulate into comprehensive sentences for you, dear reader, to indulge in, a long time ago. Its been a while since I blogged, I may be a bit rusty, pardon me. Also, no idea which direction I want this post to go in… a prose? poem? rambling? maybe all…we’ll see)

My day is incomplete in your absence
my heart wonders what happened.
Everything becomes depressing,
and I want to call you,
but I can’t….

Where did we go wrong
because we were at crossroads:
to salvage the remnants,
or to chuck the memories.

How do I let myself feel the feelings when the feelings are too strong, too destructive to be felt.

I want a constant,
someone I know will always reply no matter what, my constant.
Change is so redundant,
but I am behooved to accept it ever so calmly.
5 months ago things were different,
5 months later things have changed, where are my constants?
I want to come home to a constant,
without having to worry about repercussions.
I want to return to my phone,
knowing your name is about to appear somewhere.
When you called me ‘love’, what happened to that?
Why is everything changing, I can’t keep up.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking for a boyfriend, ain’t nobody got time fo dat.
Maybe it’s the attention, the attention I crave but what for?

Ok need to go for pe and my brain isn’t working anymore

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Personality, Gurl

“Often I’ll find myself in a conversation where I don’t really have anything to say or add but it feels awkward to just exist there so I’ll just nod and smile and laugh really loud.”   Have you ever heard someone explain their life and you’re just like U R MY SPIRIT ANIMAL

What’s it like to have a personality? What does it take to get people to go ‘wow I want to talk to him/her’? Is having an attractive personality synonymous with having an attractive physical appearance?

Its not like I don’t have an opinion or things to say but why am I always at such a lost for words when I’m around people other than The Zoo. Its debilitating to my ego when I’m around people and they’re being all funny and talkative and I’m just there, existing, laughing, not having anything to input into the conversation.

Its not that I’m antisocial, but I think its my brain’s lack of ability to come up with witty comments that I deem is a requirement when conversing with people. Something about wanting to appear cool and funny and all dat shit.

brb while i convulse at my need for attention

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[CANOE ed.] Its always a good time

IMG_3057Crazy weeks of training, open house, school, more training idk how we are surviving but yay canoeists.

OPEN HOUSE – post-traning-canoe-lifejacket-making factory. Lesson learnt: mok cannot draw or cut hahahha
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Canoe table was born!!!! (you can’t see but our names are on the table). Open house was fun, 50+ interested people!!

IMG_2936 IMG_2946 IMG_2971 IMG_3029 IMG_3055 COME JUNIORS, JOIN CANOEING, YOU WONT REGRET

CANOE TABLE IS OFFICIAL hahahaaha studied there during break and after school and it made this shitty day so much better  (also, vp tweeted my lifejacket hehehehe)

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Training tomorrow, just me and Jam, praying coach is merciful and lets us play portage. ok thats it for today.

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You lived and I loved

I fell and you watched me as I scraped my knees against the pavement
I let my emotions take over and your heart did so little as to beat as it engulfed me
I wanted to explore but you stayed rooted to your secrets
I thought I knew what I wanted but you had other plans for us
I tried and you watched as I failed
I gave up and you let me
I loved and you lived.

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New year, new me

hahahahhaha who am i kidding with that cringe worthy title. But here are some things I learnt from 2014…..

1. What other people think of you doesn’t matter
-I became so emotionally dependent on how people perceived me that I became too cautious and introverted around people. The idea of trying to please everyone is ridonkulous, f off, I don’t need to please you or conform just to be liked by you

2. If you want to achieve greatness, stop asking for permission
– Thank you Edwin Lim Cheng Lee for the advice, struggled a lot w this last year

3. Put yourself out there (not put out LOL)
-I don’t know why I’m so afraid to put myself out there. Ok lah, stepping out of your comfort zone is quite terrifying but its the only way I’ll be able to experience and learn more. Look at all that stepping out of my comfort zone I did this year….1) actually made friends during orientation 2) joined canoeing (wtf then but look at me now NO RAGRETS) etcetc. And like those 2 things have opened so many doors for me. I need to stop being afraid of rejection.

4. Keep your close friends – close
-I’m assuming thats why they’re called close friends. As you get older you realise that even though your social circle expands, the number of close friends shrinks. Keep them close and never take them for granted. All that ‘keep your enemies close’ or i need to talk to every person in my school to be popular is bullshit. After a while, and I learnt the hard way, you’re not gonna be able to keep up. And if you try to, you’re gonna end up losing your close friends too.

5. Boys are very loyal but can be total douchebags without realizing

6. Girls are not simple creatures

7. Why be shy when you can be confident af

8. You don’t have to be on your phone ALL THE TIME
-This year has really been a very bad year for my phone and I hahaa. Been glued to it, I think I’m addicted. In every moment I’m not actually doing something, I reach for my phone. I need to be like Chew or Teu who like don’t touch their phone at all when they’re around people. Also I realized that while I’m busy on the phone, reading chats (sometimes I’m not even participating in them), replying people, that I become so withdrawn from my surroundings. I thrive in the virtual world and am completely unaware of things happening in real time…for some reason I also get very grumpy….

9. You don’t have to text everyone everyday to be close
– ok this diff for diff people. For people like Denise and Evan I don’t even text them everyday but yknow the friendship feels are there. and like every few days Denise will text me ‘how was ur day’ which makes me feel all warm inside huehuehue. But like its fun to text margerella everyday.

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365/365 ’14

2014- the year I was so apprehensive about, the year that was so exhilarating because it was so different. I can’t believe it has gone by. 1 WHOLE YEAR. Its been the craziest most packed year of my life, and I’m quite glad it happened the way it did. (I guess everything happens for a reason)

New Years Resolutions soon!!!!!

tq for being my first few friends in AC and actually making me a jiemei even tho I was damn strange during orientation lul. tq for still being my friend even though 10 months later I’m the one thats changed the most out of all of us. tq for all the laughter whenever we’re together

tq for being the best class I could ever be a part of, tq for bearing w my laugh for so many months and still being my friend hahahaha rly love how everyone is so accepting and caring and kind and bonded and can’t wait to spend 2015 cooped up in lecture theaters and classrooms together mugging our heads off (more like sleeping/ eating/ playing phone games in our case) but yayy 2SC1’15 !!!!

tq canoe for all the fun and the pain. We’ve come a long way since trying to balance in our heats during nationals, but supa grateful for everything. Its been a crazy year w them, getting injured, taking protein, all our outings, CHALET…hope 2015 is an even greater year w nats and that none of our friendships fade.

A bunch of other events that happened this year.

>ETHAN
> donated blood, then proceeded to develop a fever and had my hands shake for a week
> vietnam
> founders day w gayz, haven’t been back to MG since then > ccaab wasn’t such a great experience for me, and I was supposed to blog about it but mmmmm i guess from not enjoying it, i learnt a few things
> WEST TIMOR WAS GREAT, first overseas CIP trip, great company, good cause, it was really fun AND met a lot of new people that I think r greattt
>also went for dinner a lot more w my grandparents and as strange as they can get, they r fantastic people and I should appreciate them more

BIRTHDAY. This year has been one of the best birthday I’ve ever had. Only blogged about the time the zoo came over to celebrate but on the actual day, everyone was so sweet n lovely!!!!
> had a jiemei celebration in the canteen w a cake and the lame swimming costume they got me (the shorts actually came in useful during swim pe)
>second zoo celebration + kun + justin w cupcakes and presents like PMS tea hahaha (((-:
>class celebration for May babies ((-: (still remember the thing Celine said after cutting the cake (;  )

READ THIS
> and after school was the craziest. Was deciding whether to stay back or not because the girls said Mian (a senior) had to talk to us about some admin thing, and i was like watt why does she want to talk about, and I didn’t really want to stay back. But found some people to gym w and I was like heck why not. So halfway while gymming, canoeing boys Edwin, Chew, Ian and Aaron walked in and I was like ayyyyy what iz uppppp watchdoing here (not even suspecting why 4 of them would walk into the gym in uniform??? ) And they wished me and were like ‘oh Mian is here and they’re at the bleachers waiting for you’ I BELIEVED THEM 100%. So I rushed out of the gym with them STROLLING behind me, I legit walked quickly. And then I saw Adilah running towards me asking me to hurry up because Mian was angry SO I RAN WITH HER TO THE BLEACHERS. I RAN BC I THOUGHT MIAN WAS ANGRY. And suddenly I see a cake coming out and a wild Margey appearing from the other side of the bleachers. These losers tricked us!!!! And I didn’t even realise till the moment the cake came out. I was really really happy. Ended up getting caked and floured and egged and lay on the field taking pictures. Really grateful for this bunch (-:

THE ZOO, tq for sticking together through 2014. Our first year apart
and we still managed to find time together. All birthdays together (except denises one sorry). Sorry I changed so much but tq for keeping me on track (-: ❤️