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Change

cliche Nobody likes change. Something about how the brain responds to shifts in the environment, unfamiliarity, and the fear of our inability to adapt. I have to say, I detest change. Good or bad, I hate it especially when it happens to the people or things around me…but what if the change is me? (I hope this doesn’t sound like a self absorbed post lul) This year has been full of new experiences, I’ve tried most, shied away from some, but ultimately this is the person I’ve become because of these experiences. I’m proud of some- saying it changed me for the better, ashamed of some- saying this isn’t the person I am and it was a momentary lapse. But I’ve done them, and I can’t keep ignoring the fact that this is me now. (lul)

I need to eradicate the idea that one person only has one personality. One does not have a single naked display of emotion 24/7 right. YES. Theres a drop down list of emotions that my heart/brain can choose to evince. Similarly, I can behave one way with the zoo, one way with the canoeists, one way with sc1, one way with jiemeis and another with family etcetc, and it’ll all still be me, just different sides.

But seriously though, what has happened to me? Honestly, 2014 has been a great year – mostly because it was a completely new environment, new escapades, new people but I feel like I’ve lived most of the year in a daze. Drifting from day to day, doing things I said I’d never do, thinking things that should not be acceptable are completely fine. A year ago, I rarely sweared, now the f word rolls off my tongue, it has become part of my daily vocabulary. A year ago, I was attentive, I knew how to control myself and read different people. A year ago, I also couldn’t do 10 man push ups but look where we at now nigga, started from the bottom now we here hahhaha

I don’t know, change is strange. Have I grown or changed for the worst or is this all acceptable? People tell me ‘Out of all of us, you’ve changed the most’ and ‘you are an mg girl leh’. Am I that easily influenced? Or was I too sheltered that these new adventures excite me and I’m so eager to try everything like a suaku.

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You win some, you lose some

hihi much has happened since the last blog post of me rattling to you about what I did during the week.

Miss having gym sessions bc too many water sessions but also don’t want to do 100 pull ups and 120 bench press. Last day of the 5 day break and I can feel my body getting physically weaker…if we get 21km tmr I’m going to cryIMG_2364

Finally got to meet up with tay sen hui after god knows how long. But I had to do it in between trainings, so there wasn’t much time to talk over lunch ):  (tay sen hui if you’re reading this, we have yet to Skype) IMG_2025

We also filmed the canoe promo vid!!! much cool, but still haven’t finished all the shots which is damn burden IMG_2137 IMG_2145 IMG_2176

CHRISTMAS TIME HAS COME AND GONE. Had 3 christmas meals + 1 jap buffet with the canoeists this year and feeling like a fatass. This years christmas passed really fast IMG_2271 IMG_2334 IMG_2343

+ 1 jap buffet with mum yesterday. She took the pic of me and the candy floss and….I AM SO BLACK??? This is so extreme. I want to me a nice tan now and maintain a nice tan after we stop training, but I’m totez gonna be the fastest to lose the tan. (but I like how if I stand around canoeists, my skin color looks normal)IMG_2379 IMG_2399

friendships are hard to maintain, losing 2 at one go is hard on the heart 

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What if

What if I was raised differently, by the other parent…

What if I behaved differently, like the other parent…

Going to relatives houses, I realised how much a child behaves like his/her parent – not parents, parent.

When they talk, tell a story, raise their eyebrows, a hint of the person who raised them peeks through, masquerading in them.

What if I had been raised by the other parent. Would my human interaction skills be better? Would the ability to be quick witted and confident resonate more in my personality? I mean after all, this parent was the one who got flown to Hawaii and got to swim with dolphins, drive mustangs etcetc and received awards for top regional sales and prestigious presentation skills award etcetc. Its pretty evident that his PR skills are of a certain calibre.

Every time I go to the chia household, and I listen to their stories (for some reason they ALWAYS have stories). How animated they are, how hilarious the story is, how engaging they are, everyone just..laughs – HEARTY LAUGHS….I’m just in awe. My dad is SO good at it. He’s one of them. He mentioned when he was young, they all used to gather and listen to each other. How Aunty Terry po and Aunty Gin po were so animated, how they mixed malay in their stories and how their ghost stories were the best. All the uncles are also so amazing at telling stories.

I on the other hand, don’t have this skill in me. I don’t have that level of wit, that confidence or that soul to tell stories or be the life of the party as my family members do. Does the environment I was brought up in play a part in this? Was this skill not nurtured from young?

However, if I was brought up in a different environment, would I have been able to achieve what I have achieved so far? Would I have gotten the score I got for O levels if not for the person who has brought me up all these years, the nagging, the care, the scolding, the sacrifices.

What if I could live life in parallel? See what happens if both lives happened? What if….

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Maybe you stole my heart

Maybe you stole my heart with

Your raspy voice when you say good morning,

Your laugh that always starts off low,

Your smoothness when you text me,

Your concern for me whenever I get hurt,

The way you behave around your friends,

The way you run your hands through your hair,

The way you never fail to encourage the people around you,

The way you somehow always manage to get things to turn out right,

Maybe you stole my heart with your heart.

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I miss you, you lil’ bitxh

Lisa Koh Su-Yin,IMG_9057

My peranakan, catholic, crazy, hilarious, insane classmate/ gym buddy/ source of joy, I miss you. IMG_2076

I miss how you always brighten up a room with your laughter.  IMG_2780
I miss how you laugh at everything I say.IMG_3408
I miss your sass. IMG_5208
I miss your ridiculously lame jokes. IMG_5107
I miss your gym encouragements like ‘mmmm looking guud’ or ‘sexayyy’. IMG_2657
I miss your toot factor checks, your looking out for my VISHNU, our ‘woman enough for you dance’, your ‘nikass compliments’, your subtle yet obvious hatred for the male species, your constant search for wifi, your wingman moments, the weird faces you make when you’re taking pictures, and everything about you that made everyday of my school/ canoe life so much more enjoyable.  IMG_2194

Most importantly, thank you for joining canoeing. The team literally sees each other every day now and I think I wouldn’t mind seeing you 5 out of 7 days a week for 10 hours each day. Thank you for always being happy and bubbly and reminding me not to be grumpy. shit i really miss u a lot. u bitxh y u go party with all the hot ang mohs. h8 u.

haha ok, no sappy sappy, luv u

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Maybe you should try becoming a person….

Maybe you should try becoming a person people want to be with, rather than conforming yourself to the false identity of what you conceive their ideal is to be.

Maybe you should try becoming a person that radiates confidence, rather than shying away from the prospect of being the centre of attention.

Maybe you should try becoming a person who is naturally happy, rather than someone whose happiness depends on the presence or absence of a particular someone.

Maybe you should try becoming a person who has full control of her emotions, rather than a heap of over thought, despondent sorrow.

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Catch Up, an Update

siaoliao, never going for training without eating breakfast again. When we were ending our morning run, i slowed down and fell to the ground, not really fell, I don’t really know actually i can’t remember. But when I woke up, i was on the ground and everything was white and I couldn’t see and i was so dizzy. basically the whole team administered aid to me and i ended up lying along the walkway trying to get blood to my head as they watched and reminded me to take deep breaths bc apparently i stopped breathing. Long story short, super appreciative of my team bc all of them literally just sat there around me and they went to buy me food and get water and drinks and tq canoeists.

Finally had time to catch up w some friends this past week and its only when i hang out with them that i realise i miss them SO MUCH. Also realized how much I’ve changed (and I’m not just talking about my skin colour HAHA). Ive done things I would have never done around my old friends. But I guess thats part of growing up? I don’t want to lose that part of my life though. Whats happening?.

Also, on a vague note, the motivation has definitely changed. How do i feel about this? Im not too sure because its one sided, but i quire like this one sided-ness.

ANyway, PICTURES.

IMG_1869 IMG_1979 IMG_1903THE ZOO BACK TOGETHER AGAIN IMG_1957 IMG_1904IMG_1943

THE SKIN COLOUR DIFFERENCE THO IMG_1925