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incompetent pt2.

Its almost been a whole month since the last post on feeling incompetent – 24 days to be exact.
Have I changed? Am I still a temperamental bitch? Am I still unworthy of you, who is kind and genuine?

I feel like your presence has made me want to become a better person. I’m more self aware and I make the effort to be nicer to people, especially when you’re around. But you see, its that pesky clause at the end of the sentence that ruins such a happy improvement – when you’re around…..

What if one day you’re gone? Will I stop being nice or will ‘being nice’ have become a habit and natural occurrence for me.

Does this mean I have to keep you in my life forever? How I treat people should not be dependent on your presence in the first place. How is that being genuine?

But this leads me to thinking…..Why does your presence affect the way I treat people and the way I behave? Why do you have so much control over me?

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Self Awareness

i feel unpretty

i laugh too loudly 

my eyes become too small when i smile

my mouth is too big

my forehead is too wide

i am boring

i make it hard for people to reply 

I’m too caught up with trying to get your attention, i make a fool out of myself 

I’m too in love with my ideal world and how things should happen that reality ruins my mood completely 

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The Good Vibes

wowow promos day 1 CONQUERED. Today has been a really good day despite GP and Chinese promo papers. And am currently in a fantabulous mood. So many pick me ups today and everything was so smooth sailing.

Things That I Am Grateful For List

Wednesday (24 Sept’14)

FIRST pick-me-up of the day:

Strepsils from the DICK!! tqtqtq u r best boy ^^

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SECOND pick-me-up of the day:
Anna was nice and woke me up in a slightly motherly manner before we had to go for the chinese paper. Ok, she just placed her hand on my hand and said 起来. idk..I take the way people wake me up very seriously.

THIRD pick-me-up of the day:
Zoo time after chinese paper. It was supposed to be a nice peaceful catch-up walk to the train station. But kims mum came to pick her..SO FREE RIDE. And I found out her mum had been waiting for a while and know my sense of urgency….. so kim and I walked faster…and Denise and Evan decided AY need to be in front SO THEY CHARGED AHEAD THROUGH THE THRONGS OF PEOPLE. And Denise took the shortcut through the bushes and got scolded by the guard and we ended up running in the wrong direction and omg lovelovelove. Day was made (-:

Monday (22 Sept’14)
1.asthma attack buds. Also, use your inhaler as a perfume ~
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2. brown hair??

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Sunday (21 Sept’14)
1. lav him

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Saturday (20 Sept’14)
1. emotion depicting photo exchanges

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2. miss the other half and our rushing to say ‘good morning’ to each other at the quadrangle every day without fail and her combing my arm hair (which is weird) and her low voice and the lame jokes she makes and nic )-: tq for always saving me like hiding my fat arm in the pic hahahaha luv u many many
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3. I told you Kim is funny (bc I told her i kennut bake for my future (if ever lul) boyfriend bc the cookies will turn out rock hard like the ones I made for teachers day)

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4. SHE KNOWS ME FEELING (lul ref to ‘I Like You’ Post) -keep referring to denise for all these feels but i think she doesn’t even realise she’s doing it hahaha tq denden

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Did you read to the end aliff? because

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY ONCE AGAIN!!! Hope you had an awespaws day!!! Tq for dramatizing your dive for the leaf hahah.

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Time away from you is…..

Yesterday was a semi disgusting day. Not sure why I snapped into a bad mood and got super tired but thankful for the best chinese teacher in AC and tolerant friends.

Anyway, no human interaction today was fantastic. Aren’t extroverts social butterflies? Then why do I lack the ability to bask in the company of my friends. Being home today gave me time to actually hear my own thoughts, to cease the over thinking, to sort out my schedule, my mind and what I want and don’t. REVALUATE LIFE yknow hah. Have I come to a conclusion? Not exactly, but we’re getting there….

Ok this wasn’t supposed to be a depressing post because I seem melancholy in like EVERY post. I’m sorry reader, I’m not depressed…I just seem to be- someone once told me he thought of me as ‘a thinker’ after reading my posts..then I told him most of post ideas come when I’m showering lul.

Actually had a lot of post ideas today but can’t seem to remember any. And I said I sorted my mind out but this post still seems messy…. (thank you reader if you are still reading this disembodied post of me rambling).

Things I Am Grateful For List

Friday (19 Sept’14)
1. Time alone
2. Best Lao shi IMG_8326
3. Friend checksIMG_8324
4. Celine for printing my I&R in school for me ^^

Thursday (18 Sept’14)
1. Food cravings satisfied before tuition
2. Tolerant friends + laoshi letting me sleep
3. Meeting jiemeis in the morning
– haven’t really been meeting bc our timings haven’t been right for quite some time but we were FULL STRENGTH (mins the usual Celine and James)  and it felt GREAT
4. Touches of affection
– you know when someone accidentally hits your head and their first reaction is to grab your head and sayang you (in a non gross mushy way) DO U FEEL ME??

Wednesday (17 Sept’14)
1.  Fun PE despite my frisbee phobia but omg my class is hilarious, also, Mr Ng’s a cool PE teacher
2. Celebrating birthdays

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#onlycanoeists

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wahpaing arm is bigger than Dick’s arm )-‘:

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If you wanted to you would

Thank you for being so nice and accommodating me for so long. But I think I shall remove your burdens and leave it up to you.

I mean, after all, if you wanted to, you would.

ps being sensitive bc not sure if you’re being nice or really genuinely want to do it

I try to reach for you, I can almost feel you
You’re nearly here
And then you disappear