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Get your shit together

Everything’s a blur right now honestly. Its been a sucky past few days, and I don’t know whether its because I just got my period yesterday and all the PMS, DMS (during-menstrual symptoms haha) is getting to me or if there is some conspiracy theory going around and all the world has decided that all unfortunate events shall lay upon my shoulders.

It all started on Monday, when someone forgot to bring the yoga mat for PW. Its not that big of a deal forgetting the mat, but i don’t know why I was so irked that the hair on my arms was standing. Everything was just infuriating and I left my uniform and file in the pw room and had to run back (thank you Dick for helping me take it btw).

I wanted to talk to people but I couldn’t bring myself to have a conversation with anyone and I just wanted to punch everyone (sorry if I sat next to you and my face was black). Ran during my break on Tuesday and wow has my stamina and endurance dropped. yux, it sucked. Couldn’t go for training again on wednesday because of the chinese ca and realized I’ve missed almost 5 weeks of water training and )-: SLOWWWW. Everything just went downhill from the there.

As the week progressed, I got grumpier. And last night I tried looking for the sheet of questions I didn’t hand in for the math test and spent more than half an hour looking for it but it was nowhere to be found?? Gave up at 1am and tried again in the morning but no? But during math today I miraculously found it in my file and gave it to my teacher to mark. Found out that that sheet was worth 6 marks and ahdsfhagjkrghergh. Ms Su rejected me twice that day but idk why I didn’t go find Mrs Ng instead. AND if laziness was the reason at that point of time, I see her in class almost everyday! WHY DIDNT I GIVE IT TO HER?

After math I stayed in the classroom and broke down. WHAT, WHO THE HELL CRIES ABOUT MATH (evidently I do) and Celine said its just the build up of everything. And I just…ugh. I can’t even form coherent sentences. This whole blog post is punctuated with ‘and’s and ‘ugh’s at the end of sentences my brain can’t even complete.

So many other things to deal with outside of academics and classmates like teammates and training and I can’t deal with my emotions but who else is gonna control them other than me? Grow tf up Nicole.

I’m a mess, my mind is exhausted. I can’t keep track of anything and I’m literally living day to day. I keep forgetting things and I’m all over the place. Need to get my priorities right rn, focus and STOP FALLING ASLEEP IN CLASS.

ok enough wallowing in my shallow pool of self pity. If you’re reading this, thank you for reading this miserable blog post.

( grateful to everyone who tried to make this sucky week so much better )

 

 

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1

I’m Sorry

I’m sorry I’m not as committed as you. I’m sorry for seeming nonchalant about it.

Since Term 1, not once have I gone for Tuesday morning breakfast with my friends – not once have I even slept in on this God-given late day. How often do I go out after school to The Star or to my friends’ house. Every single time I clear my day to go out, the Zoo is top priority. Literally, have you seen me go out without having reserved a day for the Zoo. Have you even seen me go out without the Zoo? How often do I reach home while the sun is still up. On the days that I actually am, is because the school let us off early, like SPA,  and I finished gym programmme early. How much time do I have to complete my work? I really really hate staying up till 1/2am trying to finish everything I was tasked to do.

Mondays, Tuesday mornings, Wednesdays, Thursdays I have training. Saturdays are off because we usually have double water sessions. Sunday’s are off because its the only day I see my father.

I don’t enjoy the same luxuries you do. You know how it works in this household. I’m not allowed to use my phone at the dining table. I’m not ‘allowed’ to use my phone in the car. I’m not ‘allowed’ to use my phone if I’m walking around with my mum/ waiting for food at the hawker centre/ while I’m doing my work. Sometimes its hard for me to reply as quickly.

Everyone has different commitments, and yours are no less burdensome and time consuming than mine are. I’m not undermining your efforts in making everything happen smoothly. Maybe I just have bad time management. I’m grateful that you guys are there to make up for my lack of participation. I’m sorry I don’t contribute as much even though I really should be. I just needed to let you see it from my point of view yknow? (I’d send it to the group but you’d think I was being defensive and hate me even more. You guys probably don’t read this anyway) But I really am sorry and you know what we have means more than anything to me.

 

1

I’ve Never Wanted More than for you to be mine

We walk through vacant halls,
admiring art we do not comprehend.
I stand by your side,
wanting to reach over,
to wrap my arms around your waist;
to call you mine.

But I stop myself,
in fear of revealing the feelings I’ve been harboring for you;
because you are not –
you are not mine.

I want to call out to you;
to run into your embrace whenever I want,
to intertwine my fingers with yours –
because this is when I feel the safest.

I’ve never wanted more
than to lean my head against your chest.
My head rising with every breath you take;
falling closer to your heart with every breath you expel.

Before, you were my pillar of strength,
now you are foreign and untouchable.

All I know is that we are friends.

 

0

Don’t take my memories

I feel like JC is slowly morphing me into a different person. I behave differently around different people and I’m not sure if I’m okay with it. I mean thats normal right? With canoeists, I’m one person. With the class, I’m another. I just need more Zoo time to make sure the person I am is still here.

ANYWAY, past 2 weeks have passed very very quickly. Everything’s quite blurry BUT I HAVE PICTURES!

There was a learning journey on Friday and that was fun. Because that was half day and there was no school on Monday, went to Bangkok with the fambam. yey.

have a great week ahead

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I see the way you look at her

I see the way you look at her,

like she’s everything you ever wanted.

I see the way you watch her laugh,

as if you think she could be your happy little pill.

I see the way you watch her run her fingers through her hair,

how you long to rest your head on her head;

taking in the scent of her watermelon shampoo.

I see the way you watch her from afar,

when she’s with her friends;

the smile that melts my heart appearing on your face;

because you know she is the one who can make you happy.

 

But you don’t look at me,

the way you look at her.

You say you don’t love her anymore,

but deep down,

I know you do.

 

I want to tell you things;

but only if you wanted to know.

I’d tell you what my favorite color is,

what I like to do on the weekends,

what makes my heart tingle,

and what pisses me off.

I’d tell you what I think about before I drift off to sleep,

what I fear;

who I love.

I want you to know me,

the way you know her.

 

I want to tell you that every time I look at you,

my heart skips a beat.

I stare at your hands,

as if they’re mine to hold.

I watch you bite your lips,

as if they’re mine to kiss.

When I’m around you,

I lose all my defenses;

yet your walls are built so high.

I don’t have the ammunition to tear them down;

nor do I have the heart that you long for.

 

I see the way you look at her;

and its not the way you look at me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

0

I Need Medical Assistance

Too many thought provoking posts I want to post but no time to string my thoughts into a comprehensible linear fashion to draft them up so whatever….

Why am I home at 3pm on a Saturday you may ask, shouldn’t I be at training? (or not, wtv) But this is my monologue and I shall give you the answer anyway. BECAUSE I got sent home by coach and he isn’t allowing me to paddle )-:

Arrived at training all pumped to go for tree top run because was feeling like a gross fatty. So we started and all was fine and we were finishing the programme, I could literally see the opening where the trees started disappearing. And God forbid things to go smoothly, I had to fall -downhill, on rocks, going at 80%.

This next part is based on what Margey told me bc I think I had a panic attack and I have no recollection of what happened. So I guess I fell and I started crying for a minute(?) then I began hyperventilating. And apparently throughout this whole process she was trying to talk to me and tried to get me to sit up but I wasn’t responding. And these 2 guys and another woman came over and started helping me to get a hold of myself. Then I calmed down, sat up (and saw hasif run past haha).

I got up, and these 2 guys helped me out of the tree top run, halfway back to shed bc Chew came running with the first aid kit. But I was so incredibly thankful because total strangers came to help me and even carried me even though it must have been tiring and my teammates were around, it wasn’t like I was on my own or anything.

And they were so nice, they were interrupting their training programme but they still helped and even tried to make conversation with me and I was completely distracted from the pain. (they were also quite cute ahhahahaa i think…. i can’t really remember cause i was just looking at the ground…their voices were hot though HAHAHA IS THIS SUPERFICIAL OF ME)

And back at the shed, thank you to chew and Ian for bringing out your inner scouts and cleaning my wounds for me. Thank you Amira and weiqian for watching out for me.

Thank you Margey for looking after me bc idk who would if you didn’t. Thank you for getting the ice and running back to see if I was okay. Thank you for sitting there with me while icing my ankle. Thank you for piggybacking me all the way to the pick up point hahah idk how you did it but you are amazing. You already had to look after me last week during my 1 week mc and now again?? much sappy, but very appreciate ^^

kinda upset now because i just recovered from my 1 week MC and I’m not on another 2 weeks of MC. Its just a sprained ankle and swollen cuts on my legs. ITS GONNA BE ARMS WEEK IN THE GYM. But strength test next week and :/

ok maybe this post isn’t for you to read but for future me to come back and remember how on this day my faith in humanity was restored. 

0

fears

who am i really?

are you just being nice or do you really want to talk to me?

am i being too clingy?

do you want to be captain instead? 

am I putting myself too far out there or am I not trying hard enough?