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You.

I don’t understand you. I want to slap you yet I love you. Maybe I should say I don’t understand myself because I seem to not know what I am feeling…….

And then there’s you. Insecurity is what is eating you up. Face it and have faith that your friends are there for you is what you should do. Not make one person hate someone else so you can ‘confirm’ that first friend as your own. 

Listen you, why don’t you care? The clock is ticking but all you care about is superficial things like kpop. Time is running out, wake up. 

You don’t need ALL those people in your life. Stop clinging, stop seeking unnecessary acceptance. Be happy with who you have because it is sufficient. 

Acceptance is key for you. First impressions are made in the first 3-7 seconds of sight. Let people express themselves. Would you like people to judge you for who you are and what you do? Stop being a bitch and learn to love everyone, imperfections and all. 

do unto others what you want others to do unto you 

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Saints and Sinners

Life sucks. I’m tired of being the some-what optimist that never gives up. There are many types of people…the two extremists would be one, the kind that take setbacks as an opportunity to get back up and work harder and two, the kind that give up at any hint of failure. 

I can’t say I’m the kind that really takes opportunities like failures to improve and work harder…I merely…move on. Whether I learn from my mistakes is another story. BUT I’ve never been someone to give up. Like during exams. Even though I don’t finish studying and I have untouched chapters, I’ll be trying to absorb as much as I can 10 minutes before the paper. I don’t sleep during papers because if I made a careless mistake, I’m to blame FOR SLEEPING and not checking. After getting reprimanded, I don’t give up on studying or life or whatever. Just suck it up and continue because I want to succeed.

Then there’s today. Being yelled at and told that I’m a disappointment, not once, not twice but like 20 times?! Like fck reverse psychology it does not make me feel any better, it does not make me want to do better, it is not working. It demoralizes and it’s actually one of the VERY few times I genuinely want to give up. 

Putting in the effort now and working harder will only show you that this method works. But in actual fact, I hate it. Why can’t you just scold me? Why must you cripple my self confidence. 

AND excuse me but do not look down on me for lying unless you are a saint yourself. You lie as much as I do. And for reasons I can’t even begin to comprehend. Is your life so secretive? Are there reasons and information that is SO RESTRICTED? I am old enough to take the truth. WHY MUST YOU HIDE THIS AND HIDE THAT? DO YOU KNOW HOW FCKING IRRITATING IT IS. EVERYDAY, KEPT IN THE DARK. THEN being scolded for not knowing anything, for not having common sense. IF YOU DON’T EXPOSE ME TO DIFFERENT THINGS HOW WILL I EVER LEARN.

And sometimes, all I ask is who called and what they wanted. Isn’t that what you do all the time too? And you expect instant answers. No immediate replied is followed but a shout and accusation of trying to be rude. But with you, there can be silence until I ask for the 4th time. Getting agitated will also get me whipped by your words. 

I ask you a simple question like “did you tell this person (this)” and you straight up say no WHEN OBVIOUSLY YOU DID. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?! WHY CANT YOU JUST SAY YES AND BE DONE WITH IT. WHY?! WHY MUST YOU EVEN LIE?

And why when I ask you things, you just ignore me. Are you trying to kill the inner curiosity in me? Find out yourself, you tell me. BUT WHEN I HAVE NEW INTERESTING INFORMATION THAT I WANT TO SHARE WITH YOU, DO YOU CARE? NO. You make me feel stupid for blurting out this information that you deem irrelevant and retarded. Saying ‘ohhh’ sarcastically that what I have found intriguing is actually stupid. 

THEN THERE’S MIND GAMES AND SARCASM. Seriously?! Why use sarcasm to hurt people. Sarcasm is supposed to be playful and funny. YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO CUT PEOPLE WITH YOUR WORDS THIS WAY.

Whatever….I’ll sort it out….

 

On a side note, I know this has been a very long post, I apologise, but I am very very upset with English oral. I barely had anything to say and my thoughts were all over the place. I seemed to have taken a very short time because when I came out, Mrs Chan was like ‘not much to say huh’ gah. So many things I could’ve said, but didn’t. Could have been organised, but wasn’t….Everyone else’s oral seemed to have been fine though…idk how to feel….

leave me in my hole

 

 

 

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My Peter Pan

Recently been back on the korean train. I forgot how much joy indulging in Kpop brings. Anyway, been loving EXO recently. AND ALL YOU KPOP HATERS DO NOT CLICK AWAY. Please at least listen to these 3 songs or a little bit of each and FALL IN LOVE.

Growl is just beyond catchy. It brings me joy that I can sing along ahahaha. My Lady gives me the FEELS and the lyrics of Peter Pan are very sweet.

I feel as if Prelims are over when we have one entire week left…..

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Would You Take Any Of Your Exes Back?

Look there’s more! Are some of you hoping this is the last answer questions thing? Haha but anyway, I’m waiting to get my hair cut – WHICH I HAVENT DONE IN 6 MONTHS! Last time i cut it was February..alot has changed since then. But it feels like it wasn’t that long ago….Anyway, here goes:

1. Describe the scent of your shampoo. Mint
2. What does your favorite bra/boxers look like? PAUL FRANK hahahaha
3. Shotgun or backseat? Shot gun when I’m excited. Backseat when I’m not in the mood for anything.
4. Hardcover or softcover? Soft cover books
5. Do you play an instrument? Guitar
6. What color is your room? Blue
7. Favorite celebrity hair? Nina Dobrev
8. If you could switch places with (insert name) for a day, what would you do? nahh
9. What was your childhood “security blanket?” I have 4 blankies and I still use them every night ^^
10. Do you like men who wear Axe? Whats AXE
11. Are you wearing any pants right now? I’m wearing FBTs!
12. Most rebellious thing you have ever done? This shall not be disclosed on the internet
13. Least favorite teacher? Why? -unknown-
14. First thing you wash in the shower? Hair
15. What is the thing you brag about most often? Everything
16. Most played song on your Ipod/Itunes? Everything Has Changed – Taylor Swift (I actually went to check)
17. If you’re in your room, look at the first photo you see. Whats the story behind it? In the vineyard in Europe with my momma
18. Any fanfic recs for (insert pairing here)? Don’t really remember the fanfics I read
19. What movie are you most looking forward to in the next year? The Fault In Our Stars / Divergent
20. What would you say if Taylor Swift asked you out? omg let’s not break up ever
21. How many asks have you gotten in the last 24 hours? I don’t have askfm
22. What is your number one otp? Myler
23. Should you be doing homework right now? What subject? NO HOMEWORK BABY
24. What is your wifi password? noalienshere (dont try because its not going to work loser)
25. Whats the last thing you ate? Cheese brownie
26. Ever had any near death experiences? Yup haha I’m asthmatic
27. Whats the story behind your nickname? Its NIK and not NIC because my nickname used to be NIKKI and the shorter form of Nikki is Nik
28. Favorite chapstick flavor? I dont use chapstick
29. Choose one thing on your fridge and tell the story behind it. Prelim schedule. It is the cause of my death
30. Whats the last thing you bought? Yami Yogurt

Okay, I got these questions from FB. The last time I answered them was 2010…gonna see how much my answers differ 3 years later!

1) Was your last real relationship a mistake? haha no

2) Who did you last say “I love you” to? I cant remember…I havent said it to anyone in a long time

3) Do you regret it? Probably not…I usually mean it when I tell someone I love them…dont you?

4) Have you ever been depressed? Not really

5) What is your relationship status? SINGLE BABY

6) How do you want to die? In my sleep

7) Played any sports? I used to swim and play tennis and netball and run… haha my physical exercise has been minimized with prelims and all

8) Do you bite your nails? Rarely

9)When was your last physical fight? I pushed Kim Tan’s arm on Thursday!

10) Do you have an attitude? Don’t we all?

11) Do you like someone? Do you not like your friends? Damn gurl….

12) Who is your best friend? I don’t have a best friend because I have THE ZOO

13)Are you gonna get high later? Nope

14) Do you miss someone? Yeah, Ras

15) Twirl or cut your spaghetti? Twirl

16) Do you tan a lot? Not really, but I wish I was tan again

17) Have any pets? I used to….):

18) How exactly are you feeling? In need of your company (and tired)

19) Ever eaten food in a car while someone or yourself is driving? Yup

20) Ever made out in the bathroom? Nope

21) Would you take any of your exes back? What’s in the past is in the past

22) Are you scared of spiders? No but LIZARDS AND FROGS MY GOD

23) Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Maybe

24) Do you regret anything from your past? Countless

25) What are your plans for this weekend? Study…evidently failing

26) Do you want to have kids? Yup

27) Do you type fast? Haha faster than when I used to be a kid

28) Do you have piercings? How many? Yup! 2

29) Want any more? Maybe….

30) Can you spell well? Spelling is important children

31) Do you miss anyone from your past? Manyy

32) What are you craving right now? Sleep

33) Ever been to a bonfire party? Yup!

34) Have you ever been on a horse? Yup! I had a party at the horse farm thing

35) Kissed someone in a pick up truck? No?

36) Have you ever broken someone’s heart? Haha idk if his heart was broken?

37) Have you ever been cheated on? Haha I hope not..

38) Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? I hope it was tears of joy with my loveliness HAHAHA

39) Would you live with someone without marrying them? It depends? What if I want to live with girl friends like overseas or something huh? DO I HAVE TO MARRY THEM

40) What should you be doing ? Study

41) What irritates you nowadays? Certain things people say

42) Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurt? haha kinda? NOT IN A SADISTIC WAY THOUGH, IT WAS A GOOD THING

43) Does somebody love you? God loves me

44) What is your favourite colour? Red

45) Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle? Yeah

46) Do you have trust issues? Not really, I’m quite open

47) Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Most of the time, yes

48) Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you? hahahah how would I know?!

49) Who was the last person you cried in front of? myself

50) Do you give out second chances too easily? Its good to give people second chances

51) Is it easier to forgive or forget? Forgive

52) Is this year the best year of your life? Most of it has been pretty memorable

53) What was your childhood nickname? Niknok or nikki haha

54) Have you ever walked outside completely naked? Probably in the past

55) Do you believe everything happens for a reason? Guess so

56) What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? Pray

57) What is bothering you? Grades

58) Have you ever been out of your province? Province haha yah la

59) Are you listening to music right now? Yup! John Mayer baby

60) Do you like Chinese food? Yah

61) Do you know your father’s b-day? Yah 5th January

62) Are you afraid of the dark? Not really

63) Is cheating ever okay? In relationships, no. For tests, no. For ting xie, yes.

64) Are you mean? Haha I try not to be

65) Can you keep white shoes clean? Nope look at my school shoes

66) Do you believe in true love? Yeah

67) Do you like the outside? Sometimes

68) Are you currently bored? Yes

69) Do you wanna get married? Yes

70) Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? Not if a girl does it! And not if its just some random guy friend!

71) Are you hungry? No, my stomach pain wahhhh

72) Have you ever made out for more than a half hour straight? No

73) What makes you happy? Lots of things

74) Would you change your name? No, I like the name Nicole so much, I want to name my kid Nicole

75) Ever been to Alaska? Nope

76) Do you watch the news? Rarely

77) What’ s your zodiac sign? Taurus? Ox?

78) Do you like Subway? Ya

79) Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? Haha guess so

80) Do you talk like your friends? Everyone speaks differently

81) Have you ever seen someone you knew & purposely avoided them? You never do before meh

82) Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? Haha yah

83) who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? Nathan

84) Does it matter if your boyfriend/girlfriend smokes? A little

85) Who was someone of the opposite sex that you had the deepest conversation with? Jonathan I guess

86) Favorite lyrics right now? “This is the deep and dying breath of this love that we’ve been working on “

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I Want To Know You

You know Youtubers always say ” I’m always doing scripted videos and I feel like you guys don’t know the real me…” and then they do those Q&A videos. Hahah not like I’m a famous Youtuber and everyone wants to know about me. But I saw this on Kim Tan’s blog and I though I’d do it too! So here : 

First thing you wash in the shower? Hair
Are you more of a coffee or alcohol drinker?
 
Uhm, I drink coffee when I need to stay awake and I try to get alcohol whenever I can (from my parents of course, or not….) 
Do you plan outfits? 
Yup, mentally
Whats the closest thing to you thats red? 
My blankie (its on my face lol) 
What would you do if you opened your door and saw a dead body? 
Look behind the door
Tell me about the last dream you remember having?
 Uhm I was in some virtual race with Ethan and Nathan was lying on the floor and Kim Tan was ordering hotdogs and we were in some cyber USS transformers kind of themed place. Everything was black and it was lit up by neon lights along the floor. Denise was dancing in the corner and some guy was trying to get us to gather. 
What comes to mind when I say cabbage? Lettuce (idk) 
Did the one person who hurt you most in your life apologize? 
Nope
Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? 
Lick, I have sensitive gums (teeth?) 
Favorite TV series ever? 
FRIENDS and The Vampire Diaries
Could you handle being in the military?
N
o way, I’m too messy and…unfit 
What are you listening to right now?
 Taylor Swift – Mine
How many countries have you visited? 
Europe, Malaysia, Australia, Taiwan, China, Japan, Korea, Indonesia etc etc 
Are your parents strict? 
My mum is, my dad isn’t
Whats on your mind right now?
 I should probably be doing work
Do you rent movies often? 
Nope..online or cinema
Whats your zodiac sign? 
Ox
Name five facts about yourself. 1) 
I like the colour red 2) I’ve been obsessed with the number 3 since I was 3/4 years old. 3) I’ve been wearing specs for 8 years. 4) I have Marcus-Gan-Jaw-Winking syndrome thingy 5) I like going to school
Do you believe in karma or predestiny? 
Karma
Ever been on a train? 
Yes
If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you do it? 
Maybe? If other people did it with me
If you could choose the future profession of your son or daughter, would you? 
Nope
What was your best experience on drugs or alcohol? 
Drugs…I got sleepy (Medicine la relax) and alcohol…Keith said I was drunk after the beer BUT I WAS NOT..it was just a happy night
Do you believe in ghosts, werewolves or vampires? 
ghosts, yes
If you could live forever, would you want to? 
No
If you could go back in time, which time period would you visit? 
2011 or 2007
Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?
 Lol I can’t even think of the last person who said it…whoever it was… I hope so 
Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now? I guess
When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time? Last night
Would you ever smile at a stranger? I try to
Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today? Isn’t She Lovely reminded me of Shea
What exactly are you wearing right now? Sec 2 class shirt and FBTs 
How often do you listen to music? Almost all the time
Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2014? Entering a whole new school life ):
Are you a social or an antisocial person? I like to think I’m social but I’m probably just awkward most of the time
Do you care if people talk badly about you? It usually gets to me for a while but severity depends on who said it
Are you going out of town soon? Maybe after prelims
When was the last time you cried? That day I reread the last page of The Fault In Our Stars
If you could change your eye color, would you? Lighter brown
Name something you dislike about the day you’re having. Massive headache and new tuition later
Where is the shirt you are wearing from? Sec 2 class
Do you like watching scary movies? Not at all
If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be? I wouldn’t
Did you have a dream last night? Yeah
Did you have a good day yesterday? I spent most of it crawled up on the floor sleeping. NIght was a mixture of good and bad
In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl? Lol no (loner97) 
What’s the best part about school? Friends 
Do you have any pictures on your Facebook? Yah
Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school? Hahah all the time
Do you replay things that have happened in your head? Yah 
Is your life anything like it was two years ago? Not really, but in a way, yes…I’m conflicted
What are you supposed to be doing right now? Physics
Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with? Lol no (look Nathan you’re mentioned again) 
Are you nice to everyone? Probably not
Are you good at hiding your feelings? Evidently not because Kim Tan can see right through me
Do you hate anyone? I try not to, so not at the moment, no
Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about? Not really, I’m quite open
Are your toenails painted pink? Nope
Who was the last person you were on the phone with? My Dad
How do you look right now? Sleepy
Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to? Kind of…different people understand different kinds of problems
Have you ever felt replaced? You don’t even want to go there. When they compare you its like they’re replacing you in front of your own face. 
Did you wake up cranky? Not really but I had a massive headache
Are you a jealous person? Hahaha yes
Name something you have to do tomorrow? Study?
Last person you cried in front of? No one
Is there someone you will never forget? Course
Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex? Haha no
Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to? Again, different people understand different sets of problems
Who do you have texts from? Lots of people! I text a fair bit
Who’s in your profile picture with you? Theres one with Nic, one with Enzo and one with my mum 
Did you regret answering these questions? Not really

 
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Week 1 of prelims conquered. The worst is over. Feeling pretty exhausted rn but I thought it’d be good to blog. I’ve had the urge to blog throughout this week but I only had unsubstantial (insubstantial/unsubstantial?) snippets of it. And I have no motivation whatsoever rn so lets just do a daily blog update!

Uhm not much has happened since Sunday except crazy ass mugging of content that should have been familiar to me but WAS NOT AT ALL. And mother cooked her famous POPIAH! Being Peranakan is so awesome. Also, hooked on John Mayer.

Papers weren’t as bad as I thought they’d be. Day 3 = Chemistry + History, Day 4 = Biology + Geography 1 and Day 5 = Physics + Geography 2. I almost died. But whatever, that has been overcome.

It’s hard to accept that time in MG is really coming to an end soon. Seeing the words ‘Secondary 4’ on our papers are actually quite disturbing. Am I not the kid that used to look to the secondary side and feel so intimidated yet wonder what magnificent adventures were waiting for us, anymore?

[ and today, I must say I have been pretty funny. (hahaha im kidding). But today my day was made by being able to be…idk real? Responses came immediately, there was no ‘omg what should I say what should I say’ – yknow that ‘girl’ syndrome. I didn’t have my weird read-the-message-and-ignore-for-5-minutes syndrome.  I really enjoyed it and it wasn’t a burden like it sometimes is with some people. p.s. Nathan if you’re reading, polar bears are not cute. And rawness will only give aches if it was raw food. Raw personalities (thumbs up) ]

Anyway, that’s it for today..OH and my stomach has been a pain in the gut (ass) recently. (haha). It hurts like it did when I had stomach flu, sometimes it lasts like an hour, sometimes 5 minutes. AND IT COMES DURING MY PAPERS. Like hello, I already have enough time management issues with the paper, I dont need you to cause me to go to the toilet and waste more time DO YOU UNDERSTAND STOMACH.

ps, I am very excited to start studying leisurely. Project Care sounds fun.

” I like my choices, I hope she likes hers ” 

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Let’s Be Friends, yes?

Its amazing the thoughts you have while in the shower. So its now currently 1210 in the morning and I cant fall asleep. Also, I think I was high in the evening. High on what? Ginseng. lol. I think thats why I can’t fall asleep.

Anyway, friends are friends, what else can they be?

I think you would have achieved COMPLETE friend status if the following are experienced:

  • You can literally talk about ANYTHING without having to care about what the person thinks of you (because you know there are no repercussions)
  • You enjoy talking to the person but you’re not constantly hooked on the phone waiting for their reply
  • You can insult the person and they’ll know its a joke and either insult you back or be ‘ angry ‘
  • There’s rarely the feeling of them not wanting to talk to you -because if they didn’t, they’d tell you something was up
  • You can literally ‘OI’ them so many damn times till they reply
  • You can be weird and high and they’ll play along..or at least they wont be like ‘what the shit?’ and just disappear…

okay thats all I could think of while I was showering…

(I think I fell asleep before posting the blog….)

we might not get tomorrow