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Uncharted Waters

How old are you? I’m 16. That is to say, I have not yet lived even half the life I am supposed to live (disregarding the fact that I may contract some terminal illness or get gruesomely killed in some unforeseen event along the way- touchwood), but that’s besides the point. If I have not lived half my life, why am I so concerned about the current sufferings of a meagre teenager? 

How many adults are able to tell you: Yes, I am in contact with more than 10 of my primary or even secondary school friends OR that their secondary school shenanigans has contributed to a crucial part of their current hectic adult life. 

We live in a cruel world. The society condemns you for the trivial ‘crimes’ you committed when you were 8 years old, sitting at the back of the class, playing with who you thought was to be your eternal best friend because she listened to your orders like an obedient puppy dog. Society labels you, and sticks it on your unknowing back, too far from reach, like those ‘kick me’ signs. Removing it would be as hard a task as trying to lick your elbow, and futile. You have been labelled.  And it is to follow you throughout your entire school life because you continue your education in the same school, with the same prejudice schoolmates, now even more menacing than before having gone through puberty. There will always be someone running on raging hormonal jealousy or whatever it is that causes them to criticize your every action based on your assigned label.

You are now no longer that popular kid you used to be in primary school, ranking 4th in the Most Popular In Class list. Oh no, secondary school is likened to a savanna or a tropical rainforest. You fight ferociously as the lions do, trying to attain alpha male status. You fight for your life as the trees do, trying to reach for the sunlight. Blocking the other tinier trees from the much needed sunlight, as the canopy layer does, is no big feat for you and your clique. In fact, it is a survival tactic. 

I’m not saying that your current teenage life is meaningless, but I am constantly thinking about the intimidating yet endless possibilities I can delve into once I have ventured into the uncharted waters of what they call, Junior College, next year. The thought makes one convulse. 

Nevertheless, its a refreshing, new start. Despite the prevalent dangers of heavy workloads, falling in love or not being accustomed to JC life, it is still a new start. You get to adopt a new, different, more interesting persona. You get to be whoever you wish to be – the popular girl, the nerd, the jock, the leader. All you have to do is shed your previous skin and you can elude anyone you want to.

The worries of a hormonal teenage girl would include:

Her false perceptions of love. Why is it, it seems so perfect in the movies (ignoring the fact that it is of course a movie)? Why can’t she experience love like in the movies? No jealousy, no need to worry about him having commitment issues (unlike those of Chandler of course, even then, they don’t seem as bad as the ones in real life), no need to feel anything when she realizes he likes every other girls’ pictures except hers (problems you only encounter in real life, haha ridiculous). Why are they so awkward in real life? Are they too young? Is sixteen not mature enough to be in relationships, especially when her parents are so adamant to the fact that maybe she might be mature enough (they are probably right anyway). And the whole, why wasn’t she the person she wanted to be, already explained in this post: Everything Has Changed (last year’s June, this year’s June, its all a blur) https://downinthedirt.wordpress.com/2013/06/09/everything-has-changed-last-years-june-this-years-june-its-all-a-blur/

Then there is the entire popularity/ friend issue that haunts her because things are not what it used to be. Change is terrifying but inevitable. People changed and learnt to adapt to new characters. Yet she remained stuck in her hole, unwilling to evolve, and now she’s that weirdo. 

But this is all secondary school. Is there hope that this girl, so inadequate, will be good enough in JC? Will life stop being a routine of torturous torment for the soul? Will the constant taunting of the fact that 14 year olds have more of a life than she does, stop? Maybe the day she is willing to put herself out there will come soon, then maybe she wouldn’t always be living between the lines that keep her in labelled boundaries. 

I’m sad and I don’t know how to get rid of this damn emptiness

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When in Penang…

Back from Penang.. well was back a few days ago but couldn’t really bring myself to post. Anyway, here goes…

We arrived in Penang in the afternoon and went to some nearby mall then we went to some authentic Peranakan restaurant for dinner! Image

Everyone had swollen eyes the next morning.Image

And had super SUPER wonderful prawn mee and char kway teow. Then we went to the SNAKE TEMPLE where we meet a 80 year old tortoise and carried different snakes.

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Next day, breakfast was DELICIOUSImage

And we went to Penang Hill to visit the Owl Museum which was a RIP OFF. There were no owls. 😡Image

Went for dinner at the famour Gurnery Drive. LOR BAK IS AMAZING (and fried lol)

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We went to some hotel for a buffet lunch the next day, (not really meaningful when you go to Penang to eat penang food BUT whos complaining when its a buffet)ImageImage

AND on the way to dinner, I SAW THE MOST ADORABLE CAR EVER. EVER. ITS COVERED IN STITCH STICKERS. STITCH. ahhhhhh. ImageImage

Next day was Sunday and we tried to go for mass..but we were too late meh. ImageSo that’s basically the penang trip…there wasn’t much to do but it was fun with the cousins and all.

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Let It Go

he lost his soul to a woman so heartless.

Had a few good talks with different people today and it has made me realise that that sometimes the people you think you are closest to, the people who are always willing to listen to your problems and even the people you’ve known for what seems like your entire life, may just be the people who are going to stab you in the back.

Not that everyone is like that, but I’ve had my share of experiences and have had enough people tell me about their problems to know that this happens a lot and it SUCKS. Was re watching the TVD ep where Elena burns up the house cause….well, life sucked. And the perks of being a vampire, she could turn her emotions off (don’t we all wish we could, I do) Image

So anyway, holding on to what used to be, thinking of what could be is never healthy and honestly doesn’t feel good AT ALL (blame my heart/brain/whatever that likes to treasure relationships so stupidly much).

I mean, people always think of the bad moments and are like ‘oh yeah he/she was a bad friend’ or ‘he/she was a bad bf/gf’. But I think it’s sad if you do that. Like what about all those good times?

But my way isn’t exactly working out either (it seems like I thrive on misery)…thinking about all the good moments and then missing them and then..its downhill from there. (stupid girl)

Time to let go of the friendships that didn’t work out. So what if you’ve been friends forever? You unknowingly became friends because your parents put you together in nursery. They’ve moved on because the teenage yous didn’t click like the kid yous.

Time to move on from your different relationships because everyone else has moved on and sailed somewhere else while you are sitting in your boat, trying to look for something that has sunk to the bottom of the unforgiving ocean, to unending depths – and is going to remain there.

“Well you can find new good moments if you let go of the past! So take a deep breath and smell ur bad breath” -Evan

Everything that kills me makes me feel alive~

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Everything Has Changed (last year’s June, this year’s June, its all a blur)

All I know is that it has been ONE FREAKING YEAR since last year’s June and EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED.

A year ago, we were prepping for confi and we had confi camp, running around church with Rachel, Sharon, Amanda and all. Last year’s June I was like ‘LAST HOLIDAY TO PARTY BECAUSE NEXT YEAR IS O LEVELS.’ And look its next year.

Last year, I was happily playing around, no worries because I was surrounded with people I loved and people who loved me. And now (still playing around) but not so happy as before. Roles have shifted, people have changed (inevitably, as the seasons do unfortunately), old friendships have lost it’s meaning, new friendships and some stronger bonds have been formed – especially between the 5 of us and even got myself a new ‘counsellor’ or my go to friend when even the most trivial matters take place.

There’s always that something or someone that will leave as time passes. I’d like to go back in time and redo it all again and to be the person I was in my head – not awkward, not weird (or as weird), dauntless, the kind of person that would put herself out there and not think about how people would perceive her.

Maybe then the people I would have liked to keep in my life, would still be in my life and maybe the people I didn’t want in my life, would be gone.

But we can’t always get what we want in life and also I don’t think I’d be able to put myself through all that again even though I really want to change some of the things that I did or didn’t do. 

Changed my motto in life:

  • Originally, it was – Never give up because there is hope

(because the people who don’t give up, are the people who understand what it feels like to treasure something, or want something so badly) 

  • Now, it is – Never give up if it means something to you, if they give up on you, try until you can try no more and accept that maybe it was never meant to be

(because when people give up on you, there’s only so much you can do to achieve your goal or to make things work – it takes 2 hands to clap, unless its your hand and your thigh but that’s a different story for another day haha)

  • Also have a new motto: Relax, put yourself out there, try new things, meet new people and laugh out loud

(because you never know until you try – as cliche as it may sound. If its one thing I regret most from last year is that I was never the person I wanted to be because I was scared of rejection and self-conscious and all that shit, and it got me NO WHERE. FOR EXAMPLE, hold his hand if you want to hold his hand, try a new sport if you wanna try a new sport, join a community if you wanna join a community. So really just be who you are and not be scared to venture into foreign territories with different people – unless its sex then NO because premarital sex is a nono haha. Also, laugh because you never know, you might be putting a smile on someone else’s face) 

ps. also addicted to Taylor Swift and Ed Sheeran’s Everything Has Changed even though I”m not very crazy about Taylor Swift haha but starting to like her more hmmm this is different. 

you’ll be mine and I’ll be yours

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I’m Missing YOU

Helloo happy Saturday everyone (:

There’s an internal battle going on with me against me up in my brain. I’m missing people rn and my subconscious is, idk, trying to do smth about it? And this is resulting in weird WEIRD dreams and it’s been going on for what 2 months? Especially 2 people that keep appearing (but I shan’t mention names). 

So anyway, I really really miss Aunty Lyn. ImageImageIts been 2 years since she left. I miss her the most now since its holidays and everyday its waking up and having no one to talk to, no one to joke around with, no one to watch shows with, no one to talk about boys (and even girls) with, no one to pick me up when I fall (literally and figuratively), no one to be physically present around you ): 

She was like my girl boyfriend (lol, nothing along the lines of being lesbian). But really she was just always there and she always knew what to say, she was my source of comfort just like how a boyfriend would be to his girlfriend I guess. 

RASCAL. I miss ras too. ImageAlways there to annoy me, but always there for me (again, just like a boyfriend)

Then he got really sick and couldn’t even stand by himself. So we had mats put around the house so there was more friction between his paws and the laminated wooden flooring. He couldn’t even stand to eat or drink so we had to either hold the bowl to his mouth or use syringes to feed him water. He was an old man. ImageImageThen on 25 July 2011, Ras passed away. But I guess he was happy. He could sit up properly with the help of pillows and he even watched tv. ImageImage

 

There are other people I miss but I guess them not being in my life anymore is for the best? That’s what everyone says. But nonetheless, I miss the moments. My sense of comfort when things weren’t always going right isn’t here anymore. 

but the truth is that you’re gone

 

 

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Grief occurs in 5 stages

They say grief occurs I’m 5 stages. First there’s denial, followed by anger then comes bargaining then depression. For most, the final stage of grief is acceptance. Sometimes others choose death.

By telling my children to go to hell, to go and die, and imprinting in their minds that they are useless and have reached a point beyond redemption? That is never how I am going to raise my children. I will not be one of those parents who laments over their child’s death, only to realize that he/she had come to that decision of wanting to commit suicide after continual taunting and tormenting not from friends, not from bullies but from their own parent. YOU, were the cause of you child’s death and yet you sit there moaning and questioning God for taking your baby away. Yet did you ever stop to think about how your uncontrollable tongue had left the burning scars on your child, leaving them to bear the pain in the inferno of your home?

Yes, the elders never fail the recite the popular yet absolutely annoying phrase “spare the rod, spoil the child.” And I agree, one hundred and one percent. Look at all those children whose parents are unable, or perhaps even choose not to, spend their precious time educating their children on what is and is not morally and socially acceptable. Most of the time, they turn out rubbish (though I’m acknowledging the few that become intent on saving the world from hunger or some kind of economic disaster.)

Nagging, scolding and even a few whips of the cane in life, much to say are inevitable. As parents, it’s their duty to guide their children, teach their children and ensure that these past mistakes and lessons are etched into the minds of their children, so they don’t repeat it (as we all know, children tend to do).

But to an extent where you’re constantly blaming your child, scolding them, nagging them the moment you come home, for trivial matters WHILE they are trying to do something important to them and you, I think is a little bit much. Who your child is, to a certain extent, can actually be your mirror. What your child is like, can be what you actually are like. Though more often than not, it can also be the complete opposite.

I appreciate the things my parents do for me, I appreciate the scolding, the nagging, the caning, everything because everything they do is for my own good.

But your intentions have become clouded by your need for control. You are the exact replica of your mother. You reprimand your child for the exact same morally unacceptable things she does to you that YOU ARE DOING TO YOUR OWN MOTHER and your child is watching it happen right before her eyes.

the weight of a simple human emotion weighs me down